Sohapilee: a Wishful Heart

2012: New Year, New Goals.

sohapilee — Mon, 02 Jan 2012 14:39:22 +0000

Oh yes. I’ve got them all. New year, new goals, new resolutions, new destinations. There are just too many things that I have to do this year, the year I turn 21. I should do my best to make this a very successful year. Even if it means sleeping less and working more.
Basically, this 2012, I’m going to:
1. Work my ass off.
2. Meaning, work for at least 2 full time jobs.
3. Which also means, that I can’t sleep no more than 6 hours/night.
4. And all these I’m doing to save 30k per month. (It does seem impossible.)
5. I’ve got to earn at least 40k.
6. Aside from two jobs, I have to get at least one manuscript approved per month. AT LEAST.
7. I’ve to get my hands on either a Kompakt or a Perfekt. Preferably a Perfekt.
8. I’ve got to get that awesome AMA scholarship for KNUA. Oh golly.
9. I’ve got to reach Singapore.
10. I’ve got to conquer Sabah, Malaysia too.
11. I’ve got to have a job at Teletech at Telstra that would earn me at least 15k/month.
12. From that job, I should secure my certificate of employment for Korean VISA purposes.
13. I’ve got to meet Yu Ri this year.
14. I’ve got to see my first snow this year.
15. I’ve got to see HIM this year.
16. I’ve got to fully support my 12 babies this year.

I never thought…

sohapilee — Wed, 28 Dec 2011 13:10:42 +0000

Ten years ago, I’ve never thought that I could fall for someone like him. I clearly had someone in mind, someone ideal, someone perfect. What I had in mind was someone who was an epitome of a well-mannered, mild-mannered gentleman. Someone exactly like my first love. That was the reason why I fell for my first love in the first place. Even if I had been blind back then, I would’ve still fallen for him, and no one else. Oh, don’t get me wrong. That person has the looks. In fact, it pains me to see his face because his features are too handsome for my heart to handle.
In a way though, his looks led me to the person I’m crazily in love now.
I think there’s something similar between them…perhaps the warmth and the gentleness in those persons’ eyes.
But I’ve really never dreamed of falling for someone like the person I love now.
I dreamed of someone who plays the piano beautifully, singing along with an angelic voice. I dreamed of someone who is a musical genius, someone who knows classical pieces by heart, someone who can play in several instruments all the ballads and the love songs that I love. I dreamed of someone old-fashioned, the kind of person who would kill me upon seeing me flaunting myself in a bikini. That someone is also God-fearing, the kind who goes to church at every church gathering, knows bible verses by heart, and whose faith is so much stronger than mine. The person I dreamed of was conservative, the kind of person who will have his first kiss at his wedding (I seriously thought people like that exist, but of course, now, 10 years later, I know better) who would never raise a finger to hurt a girl, someone who would never even raise his voice while arguing with a girl. I dreamed of someone romantic, someone who would never forget birthdays, anniversaries and other dates, someone who could come up with surprises at every opportunity, someone who can write poems and compose songs for me.
whoa. I just realized as I’m writing this how naive I’ve been. This is too perfect, don’t you think?
Ah, and you’re probably thinking that this kind of person does not exist except in romance novels and movies.
But you’re totally wrong. Because all of these qualities describes a person I know. Personally. Not a fictional or imaginary character.
That person was my first love. I fell in love with him because he fit perfectly to the character of the perfect husband I made up in my 10-year old mind. I don’t even know where that idea came from, I mean, the idea about the qualities. I swear, my mom and dad are the most unromantic people in the world, I couldn’t even remember seeing them kissing (would you believe that?! But yeah, I’m serious!) and my childhood friends has different views. They’re all mountainous people who marries right after having their menarche (if you don’t know what that means, look it up in google).
I guess it’s from all the novels I read even from such a young age. Or maybe it’s the romantic-mindedness that came with me from the womb.

Anyways, the person I love now…he’s handsome and gorgeous, hot as hell, and the opposite of almost every quality I had in mind. He’s worldly, he smokes (oh Gosh and I happen to despise smoking), I don’t even have any idea if he has a religion or not, or if he happens to be atheist, and he’s so NOT old-fashioned. In fact, I think he has kissed and bedded more women than I could possibly count. That drives me crazy, you know?
Oh well, he can at least write well, and he’s good in art (specifically acting and photography) but I’m not sure just how romantic or unromantic he is. He has tattooS! And I mean the huge S over there. He’s got THREE now, and he’s planning to tattoo his wife’s and children’s face as well in the future. Oh Golly. I hope I’ll become his wife so that I can discourage him from doing so, appropriately. And as for musical gifts…oh well. He can rap. He can rap well. As for his singing…I’d rather not leave any lengthy comments about it. To make it shorter, sometimes he can’t even hit the notes well. And he can’t even play the piano!
I’m totally ballad-ish while he’s completely hiphop-ish!
It’s crazy!

내거야! MINE!

sohapilee — Mon, 26 Dec 2011 08:46:24 +0000

Yes. It’s supposed to be like that. He’s supposed to be mine, and MINE alone. But how come everybody wants a piece of him too? Seeing all my lovely rivals and seeing all the opportunities they have that’s definitely disadvantageous for me, I can’t sit still. I can’t stay quiet. I feel like exploding! Seeing his face doesn’t even make things easier. Instead, everything becomes worse when I see his handsome, smiling face. Not just his face either. But all the faces that reminds me of him. I’m living in constant paranoia, I’m barely able to breath. It’s frustrating and the air gets tangled in my chest and throat whenever I think of him. It’s suffocating. Especially the fact that I can’t even say what I want to say. The fact that he can’t even hear what my heart has been yelling for a thousand years. Damn it.
At this rate, I can’t be patient. Time feels like a ticking bomb, and my heart is commanding me to run before time would explode and I’ll be blown away in flames. And he feels like gasoline, while all those women feels like lighters and matches; open fires. I have to put out all those flames before I could claim him as mine alone, but it’s terribly difficult. My path is laden with cars, there’s a traffic jam. I absolutely cannot move forward. Nor backwards or sidewards for that matter.
There’s something I want to do. I’m in a hurry to do it but nothing is cooperating with me. Not even the weather. Or christmas. Or the subtitles for High Kick. Or the status of my bank accounts. Not even my skin.
Everything is in a total mess, I don’t feel like doing anything at all. I just want to slam myself onto my bed, plank until all of these are over, until I’ll be ready to move on.
But of course I don’t do any of this. I just feel so listless, but not even depressed. Not hopeful but can’t even be hopeless. I don’t feel a sense of direction as to where I’m going. There’s even that huge thing with the SG trip in January, and I don’t have a single cent to spend. Why am I always like this? I feel like Elijah, waiting for the ravens to feed me.
I don’t even find solace at home. I no longer find the dramas a valid route of escape.
What’s happening? Am I having a mid-life crisis? I’m not even at the middle of my life yet.
This person, he has the ability to ignite all the fires in me and to put all of them out. He has the ability to make me laugh the hardest and cry in the deepest sorrow. He brings out all the extremes in me, and I simply have no clue on how to go on if he were to be gone from my life or deleted from my memory. I’ll feel like an empty shell, just like now.
And all these lovely rivals are driving me insane. And to think that I consider one third of the world’s population as rivals. This is not an easy quest. I should stop watching my dramas. Jung woosung in Padam Padam reminds me of him, as well as Kim Raewon in a thousand days’ promise, not to mention jang hyuk in Deep rooted tree and cha seung won in the greatest love. And I’m feeling so hopeless. I can’t even get a perfekt camera for christmas. Is there anyone more pathetic than me?

WP, I’m sorry.

sohapilee — Sun, 11 Dec 2011 13:10:46 +0000

I think I might have forsaken you quite a bit. Sorry if I left you so that I could collect grapes at cyworld. I think I will not forsake you at all. Anyways, do you know what date is it tomorrow? It’s 11.12.12! So, if I’ll count the years, it’s 7 years since Cha MooHyuk’s death, and he’s the reason why I’m in love with the man I love right now.
It’s all because of Cha MooHyuk. Oh. I just remembered. Today is Ped’s birthday. WP, you do remember Ped, don’t you?
That scrawny (haha NOT!) guy whom I used to like so much back in college, who liked my friend, Bimbim. I have not been in touch with him for a long, long time. Okay, to be honest, I have not been in touch with him since forever, I’ve never even said ‘Hi’ to him even when we were seatmates in Anatomy class and Microbiology class. I was very stupid then. Okay, I agree. I think I’m still stupid now. Given the same circumstances, I think I would still be a coward and I’d still not be able to gather my guts to say ‘hello’. You know, too, don’t you, that when I sincerely like someone, I really have a hard time trying to look into his eyes.
It’s my weakest point, ever, since I’m such a coward. Recently, I’ve been loyal to this man, but I’m getting so paranoid. I mean, I’m getting scared he might have gotten married, had babies, had girlfriends behind my back, without me knowing since he’s so far away.
No matter what negative comments people may have regarding my would-be actions in pursuit of this person, I don’t care at all.
I am determined to be loved by him the way I love him (even more would be splendid) and to live the rest of my life in glee and marriage bliss. I want to take him to heaven. I mean, I just want to go there with him together.
I’m usually the person who gives advice to people, even married people (oh gosh, isn’t that funny?) so I’m determined to follow my advice.
Life is difficult, I know. Yesterday I’ve been bombarded with revelations that would make any normal person’s head spin, but of course, I’m a weirdo. Nothing shocks me. NOTHING at all.
Even if they would say that the man I love is married, or is gay, I would be heartbroken, and it would be like the end for me, but I won’t be shocked. Because really, nothing shocks me.
If I see someone walking naked on the street, I won’t be shocked either.
I’ve had this weirdness for quite a while now.
Really, nothing shocks me.
But I really have to attend to one of my friends. She has this mountainload of emotional baggage and I need to help her carry those. But it’s quite difficult to do. Because I don’t know where to start!
But I know I have to be there.
My friends…they all have different personalities. I do classify them into two groups. The other group, they are like sisters to me. I know everything about them, they know everything about me. They’re the sensitive group. They’ve got big hearts that are really sensitive. They always are hurting.
The other group on the other hand, they’re the strong ones. They might be hurting, but their problems are not as heavy as the other group’s. The first group is melodramatic, and this second one is a comedy. These people just laugh it off. Also, these people doesn’t have the time to listen to me and my musings. If I’ve got emotional baggage they are not the people I can cry with.
They are not the type of people to cry anyways. Sure, I can count on them for comfort, but they have a different approach.
The first group on the other hand, they’re the type who would really cry with you all throughout.
So, sometimes, since these groups really are like, opposing factors, I feel like I’m being pulled at different directions. Like they all want me to be there. But I can’t. Because I have to prioritize.
So, if I’ve made a mistake, or hurt them in the process of ‘being there’ for the others, I would just like to say ‘Sorry’.
I love you all EQUALLY.

Too many reasons to cry.

sohapilee — Tue, 06 Dec 2011 13:32:49 +0000

Today, was one of my worst days.
You could always expect the worst in times when winner announcements are made. Expect me to be knocked out then. I’ve never ever won in anything before. This time I managed to land the consolation prize. 4GB USB. It’s just making me so BITTER.
Maybe I really should marry a random Korean ajussi to get to Korea.
But that would be the very LAST resort. I mean, how can I end up marrying Jisub if I’ll do that, huh?
Anyway, I’m so miserable today. I even got mad and fought with my mom.
And I don’t feel like making amends yet.
All I want is to escape far far away.
I’m sick and tired of my life.

The Perfect Christmas.

sohapilee — Thu, 01 Dec 2011 16:14:08 +0000

What is the perfect Christmas? Is it lots of colorful lights? Pretty things? Winter wonderland? A tree?
For me, Christmas is just a holiday. I know it’s not really Jesus’ birthday.
So, as a holiday, how am I supposed to celebrate it? I don’t have many thoughts. As long as I could curl up in the couch watching dramas, I’ll be okay. That was before. Before I fell in love with HIM.
Maybe you’re thinking ‘there she goes again!’. But no, this time, it’s real.
It took me a long time to find out and realize too. But this year, I really found him. The one.
Only he doesn’t think that I’m ‘the one’ yet. So I’m doing my best to show him. Okay. In my mind, I did a lot. But actually, these past two months, I was just pigging myself out. That doesn’t mean that I’m not plotting anything.
I have a LOT on my mind. Like how am I going to succeed—getting to his side. Especially when I’ve got so many deadly rivals.
I need to find the perfect weapon to knock all ‘em out.
I always get irritated when they climb up, pulling me down. They have a major quality that I don’t have. Actually, it’s more like major QUALITIES. Sometimes, I don’t see myself winning, but when I remember that I do have a tremendous God backing me up, I gain my confidence. So now, I’m thinking about the perfect christmas.
This holiday would NEVER be perfect without this person my my side. I don’t care if I’ll have to cry a whole dam of tears, as long as I get to be with him.
Well, so here’s my idea of spending that perfect christmas.
It could be anywhere, really, as long as I’m with him; but to make it more beautiful, let’s set it in Seoul.
The perfect Christmas could only be perfect if I’ll spend it with him.
Waking up and seeing him first thing in the morning, making him a hearty breakfast, and spending the whole day on a date. Like a normal date. Basic date. One that involves amusement park rides, cotton candy, lollipop, couple clothes, coffee, holding hands while walking down wintry streets. Hugging to keep each other warm under the snow, feeding each other, watching a movie. Chaste kisses. Sweet kisses. Stolen kisses. Being able to trace his face with my fingers. Cuddling and talking heart-to-heart by the fire. Falling asleep in his arms, warmed by his embrace, listening to the rhythmic beating of his heart against my ear…nothing can be as perfect as that.Normal things can be quite perfect if spent with him. Oh gosh, why do i like him so much? Why do I love him so much?
Just thinking about him makes me want to weep. Will this day ever come?
I really really really wish I could keep him warm this christmas.

A Noble Dream.

sohapilee — Wed, 16 Nov 2011 13:01:29 +0000

Yes. Out of my love for this person, a new dream, a greater has spurted forth. I’m not really sure if the AMA scholarship people would be buying my sincerity, but even if they won’t, it’s really true. I used to dream of unfathomable wealth, but now, it’s another story. I’ve realized that even if I’ll get all those money, I will not be happy. Why? Because it will just trigger my discontentment for everything and my quest for something bigger, something more than what I already have. And the major disappointment I had on the previous post, it actually brought about this noble little dream of mine.
I also realized, that, it doesn’t matter what kind of house I live in, what kind of car I’m driving, or even if i’m homeless and car-less, as long as THIS person is by my side, I’ll be happy.
Just like what Dok Go Jin was saying on some episodes of ‘The Greatest Love’; It doesn’t matter if I’m rolling around in dog poo, as long as I’m rolling around with you. That’s exactly what I’m thinking about my Greatest love. That’s why I love Dokko. Ding Dong!
Ah, he’s married! And I’m quite pleased about it!
His wife has become my little heroine ^^
If you’ll see her, you’ll understand. People say she’s ugly, but I think she’s great! She might be a little plain (oh, like me, I must admit) but she’s successfully landed a man as hot as Cha SeungWon, and frankly, that’s all that matters. Okay, for sure, her husband is not as hot as mine (at least the one I’m gonna have in the future) and that’s just RIGHT because I am quite hotter than she is.
So now, I’m aching to know her secret on how she managed to capture CSW’s heart, because I might need those secrets in capturing my man’s heart. I’ve never captured any man’s heart before, and that suits me just fine. Because, there’s only one man in the world whose heart I want to capture. I wouldn’t want to capture some hearts and would later discard it. Those would be poor little hearts, as mine had been, back when it has been captured by evil men.
But if God will grant me my little wish to be next to this person I love, I’ll surely seek out CSW’s missus and befriend her. She’s inspiring me, after all.
Actually, I didn’t intend to write a post about my noble dream, since I’m not disclosing it at all, and I’m here to write about the uncontrollable fluttering of my heart whenever I see this person I love. It sometimes takes me by surprise. When I would suddenly look up, and then I’d see his face, my heart would start beating crazily, that I begin feeling like Dokko, someone who has a cardiac problem. And then, after seeing him like that, I would long to trace the features of his face with my fingers.
And then, at times, I get frustrated on how slow my pace is while running towards him. I’m using up all my force and energy already, and if he is any other person, I would’ve been in his arms already, with all these efforts I’m making, but because he is himself, using all my strength, I’m still inching towards him, centimeter by centimeter. It’s difficult to reach him, since we have a vast ocean between us, and he is not even aware that I’m running towards him, because he never ever looks back
But it’s okay, someday, I’ll finally reach my goal, which is to be beside him, so I’ll be able to tap his shoulder.
All day, I’m thinking of all the things I want to do for him, the things I want to do with him, and all the things I want to do to him.
I also would like to stop him from doing the things he does that harms himself. Maybe if I’ll love him enough he’ll forget those bad things. And then, we could realize my noble dream together.
He is a man perfect for me. Not only that, he is also the man who could perfectly help me with my Noble dream. I’m quite confident that I would be able to do it by myself, with God’s help. But if God would pull him into my circle, and provide His blessing, then we could do even greater things.
To somehow ease the suffering of mankind, down to a few notches.
We can live in a teepee, igloo, caves, tents, wherever, as long as he is with me, I’ll be happy.

11.11.07- A Day of heartache and disappointment.

sohapilee — Mon, 07 Nov 2011 11:04:08 +0000

I will never FORGET today.
Today, God answered a ‘NO’ to me. Or maybe it’s ‘Wait’, but for this specific, very specific request, he said No. It hurts. My heart is really broken right now. In time, it can be fixed. I’ve never received such a painful ‘No’ from God before. Maybe because this time, it concerns my greatest dream, and my dream to be with the person I Love.
I know God has plans for me. I know this is just a way for him to tell me that this way is NOT the way. Maybe there are better and grander ways for me with the person I love, but to think that I would not be with him, for another six to twelve months fills my heart with pain and longing. God is practically saying that I should not take the easy route this time. I’ve had disappointments in the past, of course, but nothing this great, and frankly, nothing I remember.
Maybe this time, it hurts so badly, because I’ve been expecting too much. How can I not? I’ve received too many things that seems like signs. Things that made me think “This is IT!”. Actually, I’ve thought it all up.
I even made a complete itinerary of everything. There’s also something that I could use as an excuse to be with the person I love. For this thing, there’s no ‘next time’, unless the one next year is better.
Next year I’ll have to come up with a better excuse. Maybe God has a better excuse for me. But I really thought it would work out this time. But today, they said it didn’t.
Maybe it’s not time yet.
I thought I could make it time already, by praying so hard.
God knows how hard I prayed this time. I believed that he would give it to me.
Coincidentally, I even came across Matthew 21:22 this time as well.
It said that whatever I ask in prayer, as long as I believe, I will receive.
But I didn’t.
I really can’t stop crying now. My vision’s blurry with tears. I thought I could finally be with the person I love, imperfect he may be. I might be hopeless-romantic, but I believe that Love is a choice. Yeah sure, it’s destiny, but it’s still a choice. Randell told me to believe and not to expect, but I ended up believing and expecting.
So there.
My fault.
I will find a way. I vow that next year I will be there.
I just need to work myself to death.

Reality Bites.

sohapilee — Tue, 25 Oct 2011 14:26:19 +0000

Yeah it does. I often want to escape from it too, and live in my imaginations because in my mind, I never run out of money, I get to do my dream jobs, I get to wear all the shoes I want, and I get to be with the man I love. In my mind, If only I could live there, I get to snuggle and curl up next to this man, and his face is the face I get to see first thing in the morning…so even if the sun would refuse to shine, I’ll still be happy.
In my mind, if only I could live there, I’ll have the perfect family, the kind that relieves instead of increasing my daily stresses.
In my mind, I get what I want. Canon 5D with complete set of lens and underwater housing, scholarship for KNUA, secret marriage and elopement with my man, a wonderful flat shared with him, and then a career both in pre-wedding photography and film-making. Oh, also I’m a renowned author, someone my man could be proud of.
In my mind, my family does not have financial issues or health issues. In my mind, I don’t have to hunt for stupid jobs that pays almost nothing.
In my mind, I am in love, and HE loves me back.
Too bad these are all in my mind.
And when reality sinks in, I just want to escape. It bites, and it stings!

Weird DREAMs

sohapilee — Tue, 18 Oct 2011 03:55:17 +0000

Last night, or( was it this morning..? ) I dreamed that I met my first love’s Dad. Seriously, when I woke up, I was like…’how does his Dad looks like again?’ because I haven’t even met the man, not even once. If he is somewhere near as good-looking as his son, then maybe he might be handsome.
Well, not that I was thinking about my first love. I was not thinking about him at all! In fact I fell asleep looking at a photo of my man, you know, the man on the previous post. Yes, I was praying that he would be mine before I slept. He’s such a handsome man, I’ll never get tired looking at him forever. Today he said he’s gonna get married before he’s 40. That way, I really must hurry, considering he’s now 34, at least turning 34.
Anyways, I was dreaming that we were by a large swimming pool and we were wearing swimwear! Seriously. I’ll never be caught dead wearing anything sexy in front of my first love! I and him are much too conservative when together. Haha. Well, we were like dancing together by the pool and when it was like heating up, we fell into the water.
It’s like the weirdest dream ever. He’s not even in the country.
And he’s dad was also telling me weird things.
I often dream of people who I’m actually OVER with already (So Jisub is an exception).