Retard.

I am. I know.
My christmas will be cold again.
No one to hug. No one to kiss. No one to hold hands with.
And here I am thinking stupidly about people who are coldhearted.
Yeah. Their coldness turns my heart to ice.
Although it’s not really their fault. They don’t really mean to hurt me, but they do.
Because I am pathetic.
But 12 years from now, i promise,
I won’t have to spend my christmas all alone.
I won’t be lonely anymore,
I’ll have someone ho Hug, and someone will hold me.
because by then, I’ll have someone to call my own.
Mine. Rwo of them.

Hurt [12-17-09 12:45 MN]

it must be the PMS. What the hell is wrong with me?
I was doing great, really I am.I was having the time of my life. then why did my heart ache still?
It hurts.
Why?
It was over a long time ago. I think.
then why all the drama?
I am an idiot.
Psycho.
stupid fool. Idiot idiot idiot.
Freak. wacko. why me?
okay. i get it. I knew. a long time ago. But why the tears still?
Unbelievable.
what’s with you? you keep on breaking my heart.
do I deserve this? what did I do?
I’ve given up hope. Closed all doors. Locked it too. But why is the pain still flooding into my soul?
what should be done?
I am an idiot. The only one in the world who’s as stupid as me is me.
I don’t understand.
WHY.
Why, always, forever?
Just make me understand.
Because I thought I did.

It takes so long for bruises to heal after all.
Just look at my heart.

postural drainage: bleeding my heart out.

**I need to post this. Should have posted this last night, but I fell asleep crying before I was able to do so. I am a MESS.

You and Your stupid POEMS.

Made me cry myself to sleep.
I actually fell asleep crying. How’s that?
What’s with you that makes me like this?
You. the only one.
Who made me cry. Like this.
i Can’t believe I fell asleep crying. Again.
Because of you.
I never cry myself to sleep for any other reason.
Except you.
Damn you.
I should hate you. I really do.
I used to love you. I think. Maybe I did.
Only You. You alone.
Why do you have to hurt me?
And you’re so damn brilliant at that.

I woke up with my tears dried up.
For real.
From my eyes down my cheeks.
Ain’t it stupid?
Ain’t I stupid?
Yeah. I know. Definitely Idiotic.
Moron.

It’s You. Always. You.
Make me this way.
My heart bleeds.
As always.
I don’t love you I don’t love you I don’t love you I don’t.
not anymore.

not painful not painful not painful not painful
I DON’T FEEL ANY. ANYTHING. NO WAY.

Summary of the Last Duty week of the Year 2009

I had a great time this week. First, i want to say how much I adore sir richard benitado. He encourages me so much to try to do the things that I cannot do. With sir Richard, you’ll be convinced too. I am happy this week because I have started a new novel. I hope I’ll be able to finish this and publish it too. It’ll be nice to meet a goal for a change.
I have cared for two more babies. The 1st for this week is flora mae and the second ios jemuel. Seriously, I need only one more, plus I managed to have a handling of a delivery yesterday. I was totally terrified a that time. I really had no idea on what to do. I wasn’t even given the chance to think, I was totally pushed into the situation. I swear, my knees and hands were shaking, and I couldn’t help it. I was scared that the doctor might yell at me. I didn’t know what to hand to the doctor too. It was a good thing there was this other doctor who helped me. Imagine, the doctor teaching the student nurse! He whispered in my ear what to hand next what to do. He stayed by my side too. I couldn’t even glove the other doctor properly due to my terror. I would have hugged that other doctor if I had a chance. I would even be starry eyed by now and in love with him if he wasn’t gay. Too bad, he is. Shame on me. But He’s great. I owe him bigtime. And so, I was exposed to the ugliest and the most beautiful features of nature: Birthing, and babies. If I were the husband of those mothers in labor, I wouldn’t have sex with my wife the rest of our marriage. Libido is a little hard to control, I know, but if you see how painful and ugly things goes, you’ll feel the same as I do. I mean, seeing the episiotomy close-up?? the stitching…? ouchee!
Actually, I wasn’t particularly freaking out, even with all those blood clots the size of my fist, no way. The slitted and lacerated reproductive organ? No way. I didn’t freak out actually, even with the mixed smell of feces and blood in that ugly yellow plastic bag. No. I don’t freak out, even if it’s my first time. I’m really strong after all. Oh, how nice. And the most beautiful things??? Babies! it was my first time to carry, feed and cuddle a newborn. I simply hadn’t had a chance to do so before. I love babies! They are a size of a hug, and they’re the purest things in the world. Untainted.
Around babies, no matter where, I feel inspired. I tend to daydream of my own. I actually want to have my own baby right now.
As in. And seeing the mothers so excited, fills my heart with longing. And seeing handsome hunks who are the fathers come to the glass and look excitedly at the babies are driving me insane. I want to have a handsome hunk for a husband too, who would be too excited to see our baby, whether it’s the first or the twelfth. I need a loving husband who’ll hold my hand throughout the painful labor hours, through all the intensity of the contractions, all throughout delivery. Someone like that British-indian who visits the baby, who happened to be premature everytime the curtain opens. That was downright exciting. It makes me think of my future husband. Will he be able to reach my expectations? will he be excited enough? will he love me enough to do anything to make me feel comfortable?
I see these people, the couples, they are so sweet, that my lack of a romantic life is almost sickening.
There was also this other guy in the public hospital whom I pity a lot. It was evident how excited he was of the baby, and his wife was demanding and was snapping at him. I pity the man, he was almost tripping on his feet from excitement, and he was trying to please his wife.It was such a sad situation.
I like the situation in our hospital these past two days. And now, I’m sleepy, but glad that we’re finally done with the duties and are officially on vacation. isnt it nce? Geat? cool? even if I’m tremendously tired this time, I will wake up late tommorow for a change. Isn’t that amazing? the msot pleasing thought I have lately.

An amazing night and a Morning of headache :(

Last night I totally went crazy. It was fantastic. Especially the part with Joy and Kuya Harvey. And of course, the dancing of the guys. My Goodness! Nobody??? Nobody???? They were totally insane. It was already dawn when we went to sleep. That’s why I have this headache right now.
I also made a fool of myself when I joined the fun, forgetting that he was right there, watching. I felt so embarassed afterwards. Imagine, making a fool out of myself TWICE in a single day? Well, the second thing happened during the night, but..
I am such an idiot. Really. I am. I know.
But i don’t care much.
The whole night, I kept seeing him in that really serious expression, standing in the corner, head tilted a little to one side, arms crossed over his chest, smiling from time to time. In a really crazy shirt. I laughed out loud upon seeing him in that shirt! Seriously, he didn’t have to be in red and white, really
He’s funny. And taken.
i dreamt of him last night. I thought it happened for real, I just realized right before I typed this that it can’t possibly be true.
He came up to me and demanded who the hell xoxo was.
See, I just realized how that sounded. I thought he was xoxo. He was Nana, and I forgot. I couldn’t tell him anything. Xoxo is Dev, my goodness!
If it had been true, it must be a total nightmare for me.
things like that couldn’t possibly happen to me. It can be in dreams though. stupid dreams.

The Polka Dot Orchestra :)

Today we went to church. I was with Juanie and we were’nt lsitening at at all. I am noty proud of it. We suddenly acme up with an idea of forming our own orchestra though, that is composed of the Polka-Dot’s children. Wouldn’t it be nice? We would color the instruments in lively polka dots! We decided to make at least 5 children, each one of us, including ate Bea. But as bebe said, if she’ll find it too hard, making babies and delivering them all, we’ll just have to compensate and save her by having more. Lol. I actually planned having only one or two, but for the sake of this orchestra, I’ll have 5. and for the sake of ate Bea, I’ll gladly have 6. Ouch. isn’t that too many? But I’m sure they’ll be the cutest. We would start training them at age three, and probably, they’ll be brilliant by ten. Isn’t this a terrific idea?

This afternoon, we went traeasure hunting. Nana was in our group. I used to like him a lot,even if the code name says otherwise. But I do not like him now. I had to jump into the kiddie pool, and I got all wet. I must have looked like a wet puppy there, and he suddenly called me. I looked up. And he gestured something at his chest. And I realized what a stupid fool I have been! He must have seen my cleavage! ouch. Tis is so embarassing!
I pretended that It didn’t matter. actually, it doesn’t since I don’t care about him much anymore. He’s a nice guy after all then,. But he’s already too PDA with his gf. who is such a beeyotch. She wasn’t there, thank God.
My, this guy..can’t he run? Is it really true then that there is something wrong with his heart? oh..too bad.
He suddenly reminded me of someone I like until now, although I don’t like him the way I used to before. lol.
I sound complicated.
anyways, xmas Party tonight! Yehaaaaw~

A minimal change Of Heart.

A few days ago, I wrote about my hatred. I was so mad it was all I can do to stop myself from exploding, or killing him. He makes my skin crawl.
But as of last night, I had a change of heart, although it’s incomplete. So I’ve let go of my anger a bit. I’m not mad anymore, as long as he doesn’t provoke my hate, we’ll be alright.
But he’s bound to do those idiotic things that irks me a lot, sooner or later. But for now, I’ve stopped hating him and I’ve actually felt a little guilty. For hating him.
It was like this:
Me and Melody were supposed to meet at a certain shoestore at 2:00 pm. But we were not able to meet, not until 4:00 pm. Then we went to the mall and roamed a little to buy christmas neccesities,
and we ate. before we knew it, it was already 6:00 so we hurried back. e guy.
We were afraid that there’ll nbe no one else but me, and it’ll be dangerous. Good thing we saw them, and I decided to go with them.
And because of that, I don’t hate him anymore. I still don’t wantto talk to him though.

Oh, all the things Melo and me talked about! It actually got me thinking. Especially the part when you stop hating and feel pity and guilty, it’s actually going to make you fall. I don’t want to believe this, because
I kind of like this person already, not the one we were talking about previously, and I do not like him that way.This 2nd him. I mean He’s a god person afterall, once you get to know him, and I’m tired of hating him or not liking him
when he’d done nothing wrong to me. He’s actually a nice guy. So…

But I’m not going to like him that way, am i? It takes a person’s decision after all. I am not in a relationship right now, so I must be high-risk. But no. That is so..not gonna happen.
Oh, yesterday I was checing out all the girls thinking ‘Oh, that one is the kind Dev would like’..’that legs, that face, that skin, that height, that fashion sense..’ etc. It’s just that I can’t help thinking about Dev. and the women he would have.
Seriously, they’re all Posh and stylish, and rich and everything I am not.
But why should I care? Dev’s supposed to be my older brother, although I seem to forget that everytime. I am supposed to be treating him like an older brother.
I told Melo about him too. And I am so embarassed.But I’m going to stop obsessing since I’ve unloaded most things.

**** I wrote this Yesterday

Stress-less.

I wasn’t the least stressed today. My endorphins were at a high level too. Although everyone seems to be picking on me, I don’t care. I’m not paranoid, I am not ‘Pikon’ so it doesn’t matter. Actually, I’m quite amused by the nonesense teasing they were doing. It makes me laugh. Well, I’m sorry, I’m not a comedian. I can’t joke, I can’t make people laugh. I’m a little stiff, I know. But what does it matter? I know it already. I’ll just remember to find someone with a ‘MASSIVE’ sense of humor when I’ll go to get married someday. hah. Seriously, I’ve been irked by that word. And the reason is a secret. I’m not telling anyone. I absolutely have none. WHY?
I can’t help it though. I’m just not as blessed as they are.

It’s a shame that I am in front. The performers are always in front of me, and Rommel Val Rey DePedro almost made me explode from too much laughter due to his stunts today. Gosh, why me? I practically died laughing. My, they’re really the biggest comedians I know. Glinda Too, who happened to be my partner today. It’s a good thing, since she compensated to my absence of sense of humor.

Oh, I have this info about age matters. My roomate told me last night that being involved with a person five years younger, and you can be considered a PEDOPHILE! it’s like, hello??
That’s too much! I couldn’t accept it at all. Seriously, 5 years??? then what about Jisub and me? He’s 13 years and 8 months older than me, can he be considered a pedophile then? I cannot absolutely tolerate this information.
Even with Dev. he’s at least 5 years older than me. Hello?
It can’t be. I just can’t accept it. It totally bothered me last night. I almost wasn’t able to sleep on time.
PEDOPHILE??????

Stressful..

Bad Day.

I am sore. From my waist down, I couldn’t even move my muscles properly. I feel like I just finished giving birth. It was the pumpings I did,I’m sure.
Too bad I wasn’t able to run due to the rain. People are steadily irking me. My constant ‘irker’, is always by my side.
Some people irked me a little too. Charlie for instance.
But I am not much affected, because I still have the aftereffects of the XoXo situation. Too bad I didn’t see XoXo today. I wonder wher he went?
Well, his whereabouts isn’t really any of my business. He’s stupid anyway. Oh, sorry. He just acts stupid.
There was this man whose hair reminded me of XoXo, and he kind of insulted me in my own territory. Well, good for him I didn’t retort any cutting remarks, I have manners, while he does not.
I don’t know, since I met DEV, I’ve started losing my inhibitions. A Little has been retained though. He’s actually good for me. Although I can not really say that I am good for him.
Actually, i must admit, i’m terrible for him.he doesn’t neccessarily have to know though.

Oh, I just remembered, yesterday I saw my little guy in the cafeteria. poor him. he was helping out people. he should really be playing..in school.
He’s really a cutie, in a silent way. Not that eye-catching. but he’s really handsome. But i must be at least 10 years older. haha. I know he’s gonna be really handsome when he grows up, I can
imagine him Tall, dark and handsome..He has to gain more muscles though, because the way i see him now, he’s probably asthmatic. And he has to improve his fashion sense. Lol. He dresses terrible. I wonder where his parents
are. maybe he’s an orphan. He really reminds me of the most perfect person I know. Or the one who used to be the most perfect person.

There’s another kid who’s as handsome too. But he’s well-dressed, and probably he plays the piano.
I am not a pedophile. lol
they just remind me of some guy…

Hatred in my heart

Hatred in my heart

I don’t normally harbor these kind of feelings. But I can’t help it. Maybe nobody can. Who can stand him?
I really hate him with all my heart! I know I shouldn’t be thinking about murder but being exposed to this really annoying
person every day for 8 long hours is intolerable. I am completely ignoring him now. He’s actually ‘intelligent’, or so they say,
but to me he’s just an idiot.I can’t count how amny times I am contemplating about murdering him.
This afternoon only, I probably thought of stabbing him with my pen not less than 10 times. I want to throw my shoes
at him everytime he utters idiotic words.
And the way he’s murmuring to himself when he’s trying to study! I really can’t stand it. I want to yell at him. I want to break his neck.
aaarggh. i hate him so much. And how dare he cheer me on just like the others? as if we’re friends?!
I am completely infuriated at him. Why do we have to be seatmates anyway? I’ve been harboring this anger inside me for so long..
for several months already, and this is eating me. Sooner or later, I’ll have to explode.
I hate the way he moves beside me, moving closer. I never turn towards his direction unless I can help it.
He’s too eager, wanting to impress everyone, but he’ll never impress me, I have too much hatred for him now. I actually liked him before, I mean,
he was pretty okay for me. But i don’t know what happened to me. My eyes got opened I guess. I really ahte persons who asks questions even though they know the answer.
It’s the biggest form of pretension to me. And he is exactly like that. He would ask me things that the teacher had just announced! can you imagine? And he would ask for paper
and would expect me to cut it too, while he STUDIES! He is so inconsiderate, and his manners are totally fake.

i can’t get this anger all out, because it gets rekindled every day.
He leans over my shoulders at times too!!!! And I am so disgusted! He doesn’t even see my body language! How stupid! I try to inch as far as possible in my seat.
Oftentimes I’ll move my chair away, and the idiot would just move his, next to mine! It’s so infuriating! And I hate the fact that I can freaking smell his breath!
It’s not exactly bad, but it’s offensive for me, considering the fact that I’m all hatred when he’s the subject. He just doesn’t get it.
He still attempts at nonesense and idiotic conversations even though I ignore him. Most of the times, I just pretend not to hear anything. And i would glare at him.
And the idiot would still smile at me and greet me everytime!
I HATE HIM!!!!

And he’s such a crocodile. He can’t accept it when he gets a mistake in a quiz. He would have a debate with the teacher first. And I hate his voice! I hate his laughter most especially.
He would laugh in a way that irks me most. I hate the sound of his laughter. When he laughs, I want to slap him senseless.

And another thing, which is not the least of the reasons why I HATE him: I am quite postive he looks down my shirt at times! He is Perverted too!
My classroom life is HELL because of him. I am trying to pretend that he doesn’t exist, but he would always make a scene. And this is when I would long to MURDER Him. I never hated someone like this before.

This is eating me alive.