죽을 만큼 사랑해.

그래요. 정말 진심으로. 죽을 만큼 사랑해.
In the back of my mind, I kind of realized that we are not meant to be together. Half of my brain is in denial still. That applies to the whole of my heart too.
You’re such a bad guy, do you know that?
i know you may not be aware of the intensity of the feelings I have for you, while I am dying trying to contain all of these feelings inside. I saw you again today. From a distance. It felt as if we’re oceans apart. A large lump in my throat suddenly materialized and I couldn’t swallow it. Too bad.

Today I got embarrassed too. More than a month ago, I sent you a message. It was a message from the bottom of my heart. It was meant for you. Only you. But people are seeing this message. And I feel so embarrassed. I feel like the insides of my soul has been left out in the sun to dry.

I have no more face to show you. After everything I’ve said. I’m really wondering why I always embarrass myself in front of men I like. I always did so in the past, and they were all not meant for me.
Perhaps, did you read that letter?

What do you think about it?
I really do love you, you know.

Marriage thoughts. Someday.

Someday…when I’m finally married to him…I’ll tell him this: “I don’t mind getting married with you even if I’ll have to do it again a thousand times.” And I’ll the people — everyone willing to listen — that: “He is the one I’ll never get tired of marrying.”

To be honest, I never really got so crazed about marriage until him. Sure, marriage was one of the fairytales I led myself to believe. I’ve had third-party experiences about how marriages can turn up sourly. It isn’t at all all-sweet. I felt like I’ve gone through a couple of them already. I know some people who had a rough time of it, and I must admit, not all marriages are smooth-sailing. I know that most have its ups and downs. And if you’re not determined enough to fight for it, you most likely will end up in a broken marriage.

If ever I’ll get married, I’ll never ever think about getting divorced, ever! We — my husband and I — may have some differing opinions, but I’ll make sure to iron it out. I will make sure that we keep our communication lines open and clear at all times. Yes, I know I’m not that good as a communicator, just look at me and my brother. But I can be very good when I try too. That might be a problem too. Most of the time, I just can’t hold anything in when I’m around people close to my heart. Well, if it’s about secrets of people close to me, I can keep it to my grave. If its mine, well, that’s entirely another thing.

So, if ever I have something in my mind, I’m bound to blurt it out, no matter how much I want to keep it in. This can be good. I’m sure I’ll be very vocal in telling him I love him. I wear my heart on my sleeve anyways. But thing is, when I get angry, I tend to let it all out before I can calm down. I rage.

When there’s no one to rage at, I usually write and rant in somewhere else. Like in a diary. Or in one of my countless blogs. It’ll be good if I’ll avoid my husband when I’m mad at him, and only face him when I can talk with sense. Without blurting something awful. I really tend to blurt out hurtful words I later regret when I’m angry.I must hold my horses when dealing with my husband if I don’t want divorce.

My closest friends know how much I’m lusting after a secret marriage. I don’t know but the idea just appeals to me. I think being married without anyone knowing about it makes the whole thing more intimate between the couple. And also, without anyone knowing about the marriage, you can still carry on as if you’re still dating. It’ll be nice to spend the first three years of marriage (in my opinion) in that very-exclusive dating mode. And conservative as I am, I can pretend to be a wild for some years, without breaking my principles. I’m quite conservative down to the bones. And if I’ll ever sleep with a man, it would only be with my husband. I’m quite determined to sleep with only one man my entire life. For the rest of my life. No matter how bad at it he’s gonna be. Well, anyways, we’ll have a lifetime to learn the moves together, so it doesn’t really matter to me. I can even teach him if he’s that bad. Oh my, this post is heading for the inappropriate.

I want to have a real engagement and wedding after three years of being legally married. Oh yes, I’m quite determined to fool my entire family. They’ll go crazy thinking I’m living with my ‘boyfriend’ when in fact, we’re married. Ah, this is my ultimate rebellion. Come to think of it, I’ve never been a rebel in my entire life. And this rebellion is still within christian standards too. I’m just wondering who would be crazy enough to love me to go along with my plan. Because he’ll have to fool his family too. And friends. Well, a friend or two from each side knowing the truth wouldn’t hurt, and we could always find the perfect cover on both sides.

Actually, I do have a person in mind. He pops up whenever I come up with catalogs or websites of beautiful resorts. Whenever I see some adventurous and fun activities like bungee jumping, skydiving, surfing and some theme parks, he is the first thought that comes to my mind. Whenever I pass by the home department in the mall or other shops with home furniture and appliances, I always think “Waaah! That refrigerator would be perfect for our kitchen! We must have that enormous 3D TV for our AV Room! And that piano, it’s simply a must!” That goes for every kitchen utensil, appliance, bed, couch, table, curtains and even carpets! Seeing all these things just make me think of him and how much I want to marry him. Like when browsing through books, I would often want to cook recipes I can find, and perform massage techniques I’ve read about. I desperately want to try all these as soon as possible. When I get married, whether he’ll like it or not, we’re going to stay forever. God wouldn’t lead us to marriage if we were not meant to be anyway. And if he doesn’t like the idea of forever, I’ll just make him like it.

I want to iron his clothes for him and fix his tie. I want to make sure he eats home-cooked balanced meals everyday, made by me. I want to make sure he takes his vitamins, exercises regularly and get completely checked out by the doctor annually. I will make sure he’s healthy. I’ll go to great lengths just to keep him happy as long as I don’t go beyond the limitations of my principles. I will make sure he’s damn well satisfied too, so that I won’t ever feel insecure.

I’d like to have at least two babies who look like him. Just thinking about holding our babies makes my heart swell with happiness. I just hope he’ll stop smoking and tattooing himself though, to set a great example. Our babies should be brought up with overflowing, unconditional love from both of us so that they’ll grow up confident and sure of themselves. More than material positions, we’ll give them our time and our love.

I’d like to get along with my mother-in-law too. No matter how difficult it would be. And an engagement announcement after THREE YEARS of marriage has no chances of being called off too, and I won’t have any wedding jitters, except maybe for the first one. And as for the MIL, I’m sure after she’d see how well I’m taking care of her son while we’re still ‘girlfriend-boyfriend’ she’ll be convinced. She might have higher expectations that I can’t give, but I promise to do my best to get along with her. I’ll not allow myself to be bullied however. NEVER. EVER. I surely hope my husband isn’t a mama’s boy. In fact, I’m pretty sure he’s not. If he is, he wouldn’t be much of a rebel, would he?

This man I’ve been wanting to marry, he’s a real darling at the same time a bad boy. I don’t have hopes of him being a romantic, because I just don’t see it in him. I’d be glad to compromise. As long as he remembers to kiss me on my birthday, kiss me on our anniversary, kiss me on christmas, I’ll be happy. No gifts, no chocolates, no events, no surprises, no poems, no songs, I’ll be fine. If I could have him, I’ll be happy no matter what.

Of course I’ll be on cloud nine if he happens to be a romantic and does all those heart-and-knee melting things, but they’re not that necessary. As long as he remembers. Just the sight of him melts my heart, my knees and all my insides already anyways.

This man I’m setting my eyes on…he’s someone I personally engraved in my heart. The reason he stayed here was not an accident. He’s like my rebound romance but he doesn’t know it. Was. He was my rebound romance. He didn’t notice how he led me through all the heartaches that I had to suffer from past loves. When I feel like I’m almost drowning in pain and misery, he was the one who pulled me up.

When I thought I’d die, thoughts of him kept me alive. He is my reason to live on earth. No kidding, but I’m way to weary of this world. I see suffering everywhere. People and animals alike. My own sufferings. It’s too wearisome to face them all, and I sometimes just want to die and escape it all. But he keeps me from dwelling on these thoughts. His bright smile fills my heart with warmth. His bad moves feel my mind with laughter. His face, just looking at his face makes me smile. I can’t possibly not be in love with him.

I really want to be with him, and to marry him, and have a happy ever after with him. I want him to be my first and only man. I’m reserving and preserving myself real good. He doesn’t have to preserve and reserve himself, I don’t have any unrealistic dreams about that. All I want is for him to love me with all his heart and be loyal to me from the moment we are together until forever.

I can’t see myself marrying anyone else. But just seeing his face, I can think of a thousand weddings, with me as the bride and him as the groom in each and everyone of them. I really must have lost my mind when I lost my heart to him.

They say good girls always fall for bad boys. It seems this time one did me in —- for forever.
I hope one day, I can look back and I can tell him “See, I’ve always wanted only YOU since that time.”

That is if I won’t consider the four years and four months I’ve officially been loving him. Did I write about that yesterday?

My Dream.

Because of the awful circumstances, I’m forced to write. That’s why I’m writing now. Writing and daydreaming are the best medication I can apply to myself. Because I can’t get my hands on the authentic, prescribed (by me!) medication —- YOU.
In my previous post, I wrote about how I freaked out last night. To the point where I wanted to give Brandon a little present, but I couldn’t. I mean, I wanted to finish those last five articles, but I couldn’t, due to the fact that I discovered my lump.
Seriously. I have a painful lump on my left breast. There. I have already accepted it. I can probably start dealing with it now. It’s acting up today. Maybe because I palpated it so many times last night, hoping that the next time I did palpate it, it wouldn’t be there. I’m only 20 years old, for crying out loud. I don’t deserve this. My poor, lovely boobs. They don’t deserve to be mutilated at an early age.

I’m way past tears now. It all dried up after I cried myself to sleep and woke up crying again for the rest of the day. Seriously. I’m thankful that this job can be done without anyone seeing my face. I’m looking as terrible as I feel. Only my new La Sardina lifted my spirits. And really, it was Lee Bum Soo who mopped up my tears and made me laugh. He’s 40-something, but he can be funny. And I have a big thing for ajussis. I normally don’t fall for guys my age. They have to be at least ten years older than I am. I really find older guys sexy. You know, those bachelors. Not the divorced ones with protruding bellies. I like those too-busy-to-get-married type, who are buffed with unbelievably chocolatey abs underneath the conservative suits. Ha!

Anyways, it was Lee BumSoo’s laughter that finally made me laugh. He wasn’t doing or saying anything funny. He was just laughing, and My! It was contagious! Really! I haven’t heard anyone with that kind of contagious laughter before. So now I’m okay. Thanks to Lee Bum Soo.

He kinda reminds me of JYP though. Are they kind of brothers or something?

You would think it would be the man I love who would put me out of my misery, right? Well, it isn’t him. Seeing the face if the man I love, with the thoughts of my illness in my head, it’s just too heartbreaking. It was mainly because of him that I was bawling. It’s because of him that I hated the idea of dying. Seriously. It isn’t the around-the-world trips I’m going to miss, the ones my friends would be taking. It isn’t the money I’m going to earn. It’s the idea of me not ever being held in his arms that scared the brains out of me.

I’m scared enough that he might fall in love with someone without even noticing me. I’ll be willing to die if that would happen. And to think that it’s been 4 years and 4 months TODAY since the day I admitted to myself that I’m in love with him. I really am in love with him, no matter how foolish and nonsensical that may seem to other people. Who are you to judge anyway, this isn’t your heart, your brain or your hypothalamus. I know I love him. He helped me move on from a disastrous love affair without even noticing. For that I’m thankful. Slowly, over the years, I’ve built my dreams around him. Some of them on purpose, some of them…well, they started happening automatically. These dreams of mine are now like a tower made of wooden blocks, with him as the foundation. If he happens to be removed, everything would fall down.

Honestly, I can’t think of a future without him in it. I simply can’t. I always see myself with him. Isn’t this stupid? And to think that he’s the steepest mountain that I have to climb…
I do have a plan. A plan on how to make him mine. It’s all in order. But without God’s blessing, nothing will happen to this plan. As in, NOTHING.

I need God to give me the Go signal. Without that, I can’t go on. I might as well give up. I can’t give up either. I’m literally stuck. Why can’t he be stuck at me too? I love him in every single way, even if he’s not 100% lovable. He has his faults I know, but I love him just the same. I simply can’t help it.

Last night was was feeling really crappy. My eyes hurt so bad from too much crying. I can’t remember the last time I cried this much. Usually, when I have these blue moments, as soon as I wake up, I feel fine. Not this time though, because when I woke up, I realized my moment with him was just a dream. And when I checked, the lump was still there.

I dreamed of him. We were in a big bed. I was cold, and he was holding me. I was counting the ridges of his muscles. I thought those were what chocolate abs are supposed to look like. He didn’t have his shirt on, of course, He had his arms under my neck and my head was resting against his neck. I felt very very very warm indeed. See how dirty my mind is? This must be why I’m punished with this lump.

I have not gone to the doctor though. Ate Kay wanted me to go to her Aunt. Ate Bea wants me to go to a doctor too. I still can’t. I’m not yet ready. Lame excuse, isn’t it?

I really want to be with him. To snuggle and cuddle. Oh Gosh, why is this man so DENSE?! Do I have to spell it out for him? Even if I do, I don’t think he’ll even consider it

He’s literally torturing me, as if I’m not miserable enough

NIGHTMARE.

In a span of 24 hours, I’ve had so much happiness and sorrow. And horror and terror too. First off, I got my brand new La Sardina (My very first lomo camera) yesterday. I really couldn’t wait. As soon as I heard that it has arrived, I rushed right out to meet my package. I wasn’t disappointed. I originally wanted the metal editions and the wild west editions, but to be honest, those are simply too expensive for me right now. Soon, maybe. I also got a couple of films. Well, I’ve got 9 36-shot rolls of Kodak ektachrome, Fuji neopan, Fuji (sensia, I think) and a couple of Lomo redscale XR. An assortment of these all! Who wouldn’t be excited? Who wouldn’t be happy? Okay, so I selfishly spent a fortune on these. But it just made me so happy, I can’t help it. I learned to load the film, and everything there is to know about the la sardina within a couple of minutes after I unboxed it.

And then, here comes the nightmare.
I was lying on bed lazily, and it occurred to me that I should do a BSE. I do not do this regularly, of course. I did notice something last time I performed this, but I regarded it as normal. Told myself it was a protrusion from my ribs, or whatever. This time, I really found a LUMP!!! O.O

Imagine my shock and my horror. Just last month a high school teacher of mine died from breast cancer. Another teacher, my college teacher got her breasts removed because of the same thing. I felt sorry for them. They have kids. They have husbands.

And so last night, I can’t help but think about the what ifs. What if this is cancer?! I’ll lose all my hair, I’ll be even more uglier than what I already am, and my breasts would be removed. REMOVED! I’m only 20 years old!!!
I’ve never had a boyfriend, never had sex, never even did those petting and necking things. Never made out. If this would happen to me, isn’t it too tragic? How am I supposed to find a husband without my boobs on?
How am I supposed to nurse my babies?
And well, how am I going to get babies in the first place if I can’t find a husband because I’m boobs-less?
Seriously, I had to bawl my eyes out. I’m not sure if I’m just being a hypochondriac or if I’m being paranoid. So what I did was palpate it in different positions.

It really is there. I can’t quite convince myself that its just my overactive imagination.

If it’s only a harmless cyst though, it wouldn’t change anything! A cyst would still need breast surgery for it to be removed. I’ve been through those surgeries countless times. It’s dreadful. You’ll have to be stripped naked, with only an inadequate hospital gown covering some parts of your anatomy. You’ll have to be catheterized and doctors and nurses will be touching you everywhere impersonally like you were a piece of meat. Just thinking about that makes me bawl my eyes out again.

I know I’m a weird person, and my thinking processes are most of the time messed up. I’m quite futuristic too. I seldom live in the present.

What makes me really worried is that HE hasn’t even noticed my existence yet. This can’t happen. It’s bad enough for 50-year old women who’s had a fertile life for several decades. But for it to happen to me, it’s so dreadful. I hope nothing is wrong. This is not accurate anyway since I have my period and you aren’t supposed to palpate during this time if you want accuracy. This might disappear after my period is over, right?

I’m really, really sorrowful about this. This has been a total nightmare. This can’t happen! I haven’t met him yet, I haven’t had the courage and the chance to pursue what I want yet! I’m too young. My life hasn’t started yet.

I also dreamed that Brandon, my boss reduced my salary because my performance was so bad. It isn’t that bad, is it?

First Love – A Recurring Illness

It’s been forever since I last entered an entry in my blog. I love this blog. It’s been with me for a thousand years and I can look back quite vividly as long as I read my posts here. I admit, it isn’t much, but if I read my posts on other blogs of mine, it surely do refresh my memory. I end up wondering “Whoa! I really did that, huh?”

Anyways, it’s that incurable disease that has recurred that triggered this random ranting. It’s the same guy that has been torturing me in the past 8 years. I really thought that I’ve gotten completely over him. But have I?
My mind is free and at peace for some time now. I honestly thought I’ll never be affected by him again. Oh boy, I was so wrong about that.

I guess, first love never really dies. It just hibernates. If you’re lucky, it’ll hibernate forever, and you’ll fall for someone else. You’ll find your true love. If your not that lucky, you’ll end up having your heart broken by so many people because you’ll keep on looking for something that’s lacking. It’s your first love babe. The sooner you accept it, the better. If you’re luckier, you don’t get to find your first love. Your luckier this way, because first loves are bound to end up in tragedy. In my case, as much I hate to admit it, it’s more than tragic— it was—still is—UNREQUITED!

But, when you are the luckiest, you’ll fall in love at a young age and be with that person forever. Never getting tired of each other. Reality check. This never happens. The never-getting-tired thing. Sooner or later, you’ll get sick of that person, to the point when you can’t stand the sight of him or her. But love truly conquers all. You’ll just need a little bit of space, and then you’ll both be okay. But this kind of thing happens once in a million relationships.

In my case, I’ve completely given up. I used to have that candy-colored hope that someday we’ll end up being together (Although I seriously can’t imagine how that comes about) but I gave up on that too. I realized how pointless it was — me looking at his back while he looks at another girls’ back. The thing is, Most of the time the girl he likes/love/whatever looks back at him, and they become happy. I become sad. This is not true love, I know. True love should feel happy when the loved one is happy, right?

Well, in my case, this love is plainly jealous when the love one is happy in another girl’s embrace. It hurts to see the person you love being happy and you happen to be not the cause of his happiness. Yeah, sure that hurts. But what hurt more were the moments when his heart was breaking to a zillion pieces because the girl he loved broke his heart. And you stand there, witnessing the whole thing, not being able to do anything. It’s the most ugly feeling in the world.

And then you offer him comfort because his heart and soul are in shreds. When you’re completely crushed. Like when you got tears all over your keyboard while you’re Facebook-ing and YM-ing with him. I completely handled that. He got over her, and I thought I got over him. But I can’t really tell for sure. The heart is a complex thing. And the first love illness seems to be one of those diseases which origin is unknown. What’s that called again?

Okay. I totally passed the board exam for nurses but I don’t have a clue.
Back to my topic.

There were several…countless instances when I thought I got over him.
When he migrated, my feelings started to hibernate. I thought it evaporated. But I knew it just hibernated when he returned after four years and shook my world again.

Then he was gone.

And I thought I got over him. I bragged to all my friends that even when he comes looking for me next time (I know that that wouldn’t happen, of course) I’ll never see him. NEVER. I won’t meet him, I’ll pretend to be busy, I’ll pretend I don’t miss him.

But then, almost four years later, (and after about a year of not writing) he suddenly shoots me a message (and an extremely short one at that): “Hap, I think I’m coming home in July or August.”

It was totally unexpected. Felt like the time I saw my name on the list of passers for the December 2011 Nursing Licensure Exam.

It felt like my heart stopped beating for a minute. I was dumbfounded, I literally froze.
And then my heart started thumping wildly, loudly, deafeningly.
It’s like a tsunami. That moment when the water is gone, and you feel totally tranquil. And then, it surges right up in a giant wave that engulfs you in no time.

I felt ambivalent. Until now I do. That feeling when you want to laugh and cry at the same time…all the while clutching your chest, willing your heart to calm down.

Is this how it feels to ‘get over’?!
Because seriously, I am not liking it.

I find myself getting excited for August. Automatically my mind conjures up imaginary images of how I’ll meet him again. I’ll probably not. I know I shouldn’t. We’re not even that close. I mean, back before he went away, all I did was glare at him to hide the erratic beating of my heart.

But we used to be virtual friends. We wrote mile-long Facebook messages before. We knew everything that’s happening around each other. His lovelife. My lovelife (if THAT can be called THAT).
But then we drifted apart. So I wouldn’t exactly call this ‘friendship’.
I am not sure what this is.

But how could he do this to me? Why is he so mean and insensitive?
Why must he tell me,specifically? He shouldn’t because now I’m feeling important. I’m feeling like someone he can return to. Even though I know I’m not.

Is there a cure for this illness?
I know this kind of thing is why some people’s lives are ruined.
When the truth is too bitter and too painful, they turn to people to find comfort. And they suffer the consequences. Those rebound romances. I knew a couple of them, and they all turned sour. This illness needs at least a dose of rebound romance to dull the…whatever these confusing emotions are.

But I just can’t risk it.

There’s a new medication invented too.
But I can’t get my hands on HIM.
He’s got chocolate abs too, and where can you ever find such a hot, yummy, sexy, appealing, sensual, talented medication???

I’ve got a poster advertising this medication. Too bad I can’t afford him yet. He’s one of those really luxurious limited-editions.

But just looking at this promotional poster is making me smile. That’s how effective this medication is. I need the REAL THING for august though.

MY NLE EXPERIENCE

I feel obliged to write about the whirlwind of events that led me to this point of disbelief that I’m still experiencing right now.

The HISTORY

When everybody else was signing up as soon as the review center doors opened, I was busy applying for jobs. I can no longer keep count of those various jobs I tried to sign up for, but in the end, I got accepted at Teleperformance. I was glad I did that because the laugh-out-loud moments I had with wavemates and teammates were truly priceless. Damo ko may natun-an nga katuntuhan (Indi man gid as in), kag nagka-crush man ko, kaduwa gid! *ahem, may asawa na galing, kag ang isa, manugpangasawa*
Everybody was bugging me about reviewing. I simply can’t. (Reason: Kay gingasto ko na ang ginhatag sa akon para sa review)
Before I turned 6 months, I went AWOL, kay mareview ko KUNO.
Ang ending, DAMO ko kdramas nga natapos, to the point nga naubusan na ko.

The FILING

I haven’t even been able to edit any of my papers. JerRy had done it for me, and I’ll forever be thankful. When I got my cases, all I had to do was obtain the final signatures of the CIs, which, I did in two days. (I did all these in the last week of the filing schedule)
I was convinced to take the exam in Iloilo, so, my ever-so-supportive friend Janine went with me (She has already filed hers) and I was terribly HORRIFIED by the length of people lining up in such a cramped space. Some have been there for THREE days already.

So I made instant decisions, because I wanted to process my application before the DEADLINE. I went to Cebu, with guidance from Ash Piedad. I ended up sleeping on my feet because teh bus was PACKED and I had to stand from Bacolod to Cebu, Via Tabuelan! When I got off, I felt as if my legs had already turned into stone! Thankfully, when I arrived at PRC, I already had a place in the LINE! As in, thank you kaayo Asher! I finished the ardous task in 3 HOURS! Whew!

The days flew past…

Before I realized it, it was already the last week before the exam, and I haven’t even read a SINGLE REVIEWER yet —- LITERALLY.
Attempting to open the Carl Balita book took so much effort, and I’ve never got past the first page.

The REVIEW

Thanks to Janine (again) who invited me to AGUISAN, I had an enjoyable 3-day review session. It was documented quite clearly in one of my albums. As much as I’m ashamed to admit it, I did more sleeping than studying.

We spent a lot of time touring Janine’s relatives too, with Garelyn who joined us on the second day to show her full support. We ate POTATO CAKE, and I craved for it as soon as the result was OUT. We went to the docks, and took crazy and panoramic photos.
The ‘REVIEW’ we did was actually just answering the questions at the end of the reviewer chapters. I only managed to finish three categories, all with ridiculously low scores. I thought to myself “Wala na gid ko ni chance ya”. Who wouldn’t? After all, in those three sets I answered, I never got a score above 68!

I remember being spooked by the mirror in the second floor bathroom.

Went back to Bacolod in advance, leaving the two behind because I had to prepare for my trip to Cebu that Thursday night.

Before I left, my MeLot visited me and told me she’ll be praying for me. Melo, effective gid ah!

The JOURNEY

I never thought it would turn out the way it did. We left promptly at 11 pm on Thursday night. I barely caught any sleep since I couldn’t move around or even stretch out my legs. Ended up watching several ancient Robin Padilla films on TV.

Upon reaching San Carlos, we were informed that the ferry schedule were cancelled due to the storm. We were infuriated because the sky was clear!

Mom and I met several teachers who are going to Cebu for their oath-taking ceremony. They were as desperate as we are. So we decided to find other ferries in the next towns. We failed, until we reached Sibulan.

There, we ended up riding these small FISHING BOATS that seems to disappear at every enormous wave hurled against them. As the boat was tossed by the waves, I finally begun to enjoy the journey. The waves were huge, and I thought I was feeling like SURFING, although I’ve never surfed before. It was thrilling! And my mom was terified (an understatement, mind you).

The rocking of the boat was coupled with retching sounds from one of the teachers. LMAO.

We reached the white sandy shores of Cebu…near Oslob.
And we rode the bus to Mandaue. (Not sure exactly where that terminal is located)

10 pm —Arrived at LapuLapu City, at Lolo Sacul’s house, where we were welcomed warmly

I invaded my titas Mia & Malu ‘s room. xD
Thank YOU ^^

It was almost 24 hours of endless travelling. Whew!

—————————————–

The next day was Saturday and I went to church, and I was able to meet up Ispirazione classmates. My prayers intensified. I was putting everything in God’s hands. I trusted him from the very beginning but I was still somewhat worried that he may want to teach me a lesson. After all, He helps those who help themselves, and I happen to be one of those who didn’t do anything to help myself.

I had lunch with Tiffany, Shiaianne , and Asher, where they were discussing Nursing-related stuff they remembered. I was silent because I had NO CLUE.

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The EXAM

I was feeling carefree on the day of the exam because I knew I had nothing to lose. I did not feel pressured. After all, I did not spend thousands for the review. And the view from UC-Banilad was quite nice. I can still see it in my mind, because I spent so much time studying the view when I had to buy time.

I felt quite guilty those two days though, because my Lolo had to wake up really early just to drive me to UC, to make sure I won’t be late…and I was thinking that if I didn’t pass…*sigh*

I prayed fervently for God to take over.

When I opened the test booklet, my eyes almost popped out. I absolutely had no idea what to answer. Still, I managed to answer every question.

For all 5 sets, I had answered less than 10 questions which I am sure of. And I was only sure because I READ those EXACT QUESTIONS during my 3-day review! It was amazing. Unbelievable.

I don’t dwell on anything that I can’t solved, so I ended up answering all sets WITHIN ONE HOUR —- the others, even less! That’s when I bought time.

I really didn’t want to be the FIRST to HAND IN my PAPER.

I had no choice, I was restless.

That happened in ALL of the SETS, to the point where my proctor commented “Early Bird lagi ka. “

And then, on later sets… “EASY ra ang exam?”

And then, finally, “SURE ka sa imong mga ANSWERS?”

I just smiled.

OVERALL, AHT was 1 HOUR.

The HOMEWARD JOURNEY

I immediately left for Bacolod after the exam, since I was able to finish it up really early. And call it ‘destiny’ or whatever, but we were on the same ferry with that group of teachers!

They told me that after everything I went through, I’ll definitely pass. My mom told me that if I pass, she’s going to treat all of THEM! LMAO I wonder if she’ll do that now, or if she’ll go back on her word Ha! Ha!

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To sum it all up, I’m filled with gratitude for such experience, and most especially of the RESULT. I really hadn’t expected this. I admit I had a tachcardic-bradycardic spell while the PRC website was loading, but I really never thought God will allow me to pass. After all my wrong moves and bad decisions. But HE did! I am so happy and humbled about it. I had FAITH that he can, but I worried that he WON’T.

My escape road was paved already, but God turned it into a CELEBRATION road. ♥

I’ll always be thankful for all the people who prayed for me and all the people who unconditionally believed that I can do it, against all ODDS. In the end, I DID NOT do it, but GOD did.

To God be the Glory.
I’ll keep my end of the bargain I made.
I am still waiting for the SIGNS.

78.60% lang ni, pero PROUD gid ko sini nga SCORE.
But more than PRIDE, is GRATITUDE. ♥
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