내거야! MINE!

Yes. It’s supposed to be like that. He’s supposed to be mine, and MINE alone. But how come everybody wants a piece of him too? Seeing all my lovely rivals and seeing all the opportunities they have that’s definitely disadvantageous for me, I can’t sit still. I can’t stay quiet. I feel like exploding! Seeing his face doesn’t even make things easier. Instead, everything becomes worse when I see his handsome, smiling face. Not just his face either. But all the faces that reminds me of him. I’m living in constant paranoia, I’m barely able to breath. It’s frustrating and the air gets tangled in my chest and throat whenever I think of him. It’s suffocating. Especially the fact that I can’t even say what I want to say. The fact that he can’t even hear what my heart has been yelling for a thousand years. Damn it.
At this rate, I can’t be patient. Time feels like a ticking bomb, and my heart is commanding me to run before time would explode and I’ll be blown away in flames. And he feels like gasoline, while all those women feels like lighters and matches; open fires. I have to put out all those flames before I could claim him as mine alone, but it’s terribly difficult. My path is laden with cars, there’s a traffic jam. I absolutely cannot move forward. Nor backwards or sidewards for that matter.
There’s something I want to do. I’m in a hurry to do it but nothing is cooperating with me. Not even the weather. Or christmas. Or the subtitles for High Kick. Or the status of my bank accounts. Not even my skin.
Everything is in a total mess, I don’t feel like doing anything at all. I just want to slam myself onto my bed, plank until all of these are over, until I’ll be ready to move on.
But of course I don’t do any of this. I just feel so listless, but not even depressed. Not hopeful but can’t even be hopeless. I don’t feel a sense of direction as to where I’m going. There’s even that huge thing with the SG trip in January, and I don’t have a single cent to spend. Why am I always like this? I feel like Elijah, waiting for the ravens to feed me.
I don’t even find solace at home. I no longer find the dramas a valid route of escape.
What’s happening? Am I having a mid-life crisis? I’m not even at the middle of my life yet.
This person, he has the ability to ignite all the fires in me and to put all of them out. He has the ability to make me laugh the hardest and cry in the deepest sorrow. He brings out all the extremes in me, and I simply have no clue on how to go on if he were to be gone from my life or deleted from my memory. I’ll feel like an empty shell, just like now.
And all these lovely rivals are driving me insane. And to think that I consider one third of the world’s population as rivals. This is not an easy quest. I should stop watching my dramas. Jung woosung in Padam Padam reminds me of him, as well as Kim Raewon in a thousand days’ promise, not to mention jang hyuk in Deep rooted tree and cha seung won in the greatest love. And I’m feeling so hopeless. I can’t even get a perfekt camera for christmas. Is there anyone more pathetic than me?

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