11.11.07- A Day of heartache and disappointment.

I will never FORGET today.
Today, God answered a ‘NO’ to me. Or maybe it’s ‘Wait’, but for this specific, very specific request, he said No. It hurts. My heart is really broken right now. In time, it can be fixed. I’ve never received such a painful ‘No’ from God before. Maybe because this time, it concerns my greatest dream, and my dream to be with the person I Love.
I know God has plans for me. I know this is just a way for him to tell me that this way is NOT the way. Maybe there are better and grander ways for me with the person I love, but to think that I would not be with him, for another six to twelve months fills my heart with pain and longing. God is practically saying that I should not take the easy route this time. I’ve had disappointments in the past, of course, but nothing this great, and frankly, nothing I remember.
Maybe this time, it hurts so badly, because I’ve been expecting too much. How can I not? I’ve received too many things that seems like signs. Things that made me think “This is IT!”. Actually, I’ve thought it all up.
I even made a complete itinerary of everything. There’s also something that I could use as an excuse to be with the person I love. For this thing, there’s no ‘next time’, unless the one next year is better.
Next year I’ll have to come up with a better excuse. Maybe God has a better excuse for me. But I really thought it would work out this time. But today, they said it didn’t.
Maybe it’s not time yet.
I thought I could make it time already, by praying so hard.
God knows how hard I prayed this time. I believed that he would give it to me.
Coincidentally, I even came across Matthew 21:22 this time as well.
It said that whatever I ask in prayer, as long as I believe, I will receive.
But I didn’t.
I really can’t stop crying now. My vision’s blurry with tears. I thought I could finally be with the person I love, imperfect he may be. I might be hopeless-romantic, but I believe that Love is a choice. Yeah sure, it’s destiny, but it’s still a choice. Randell told me to believe and not to expect, but I ended up believing and expecting.
So there.
My fault.
I will find a way. I vow that next year I will be there.
I just need to work myself to death.

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