Regrets.

Teah. It’s late at night and I’m still having this queasy feeling. I should be feeling glad, that I was given all those 199 gift items, but I feel sad. Like I’ve lost a comrade. Which is a ridiculous idea, I really ought to be shot.
I feel so lonely. For no apparent reason. Uh-oh. Mod swings?? Am I getting insane? No, Of course I’m not. ‘As a man thinketh, so is he’. So I shouldn’t think about anything negative. Well, what can I do, I feel sos ad. Like I’ve lost someone, again. Haish, I hate this feeling.

Mixed emotions.

I was crushed, once again. How could I not be? I hoped, and was crushed. I was given hope, and then I was crushed by the reality again. How stupid can I get? It’s not even that much big of a deal. It’s just a person I’ve met for just a couple of times. But I really like him, and he sang my favorite song.
I felt lonely yesterday too, because I lost a challenge. I don’t know what’s wrong with me. I might have an MI. not the Myocardiac infarction, no. The other MI, more troublesome. I shouldn’t care about the people I always find myself caring about. I’m too stupid.
I always get attached to the wrong persons. The persons who would never ever be attached to me, not even in my dreams. I know I’m always looking for love, hoping that somehow these people I care about would love me back, and I’m always clinging, always needy. And I know I gotta stop. This attitude or personality is what the evil exes in movies have. The mang-aagaws, the girls who gets their hearts broken. Am I destined to be hurt? Will I forever be like this? I know I have a lot of issues, and most of these are psychological problems. nOt that I am ill or anything,but I think there are developmental tasks that I failed to achieve back when I was in the right age. That’s why my personality is so frustrating and pathetic. I need to work on my personality first and foremost, I know. But I don’t know how exactly I am to do it. Where will I start? I know to be loved, I need to love myself first, but do I really love myself? Sometimes, if not most, my emotions feels so shallow. Like I’m rock-hearted or something. I don’t appreciate it. Not at all. It makes me feel the more inadequate. I might need to meet with a councilor.
How ironic, I always have dreamed of being a psychiatrist. To be able t deal or help people deal with their problems. But I myself might be on the verge of insanity. Not really. Oh, I sound like I just realized things about myself. I don’t know, i think i knew about these before bu just refused to acknowledge the facts. What exactly is my defense mechanism? Ugh, I don’t know. It might be something done unconciously.
I thought before that I need to find a man to complete me. I was stupid o believe such nonesense. Because I need to complete me before i find a man. First I need to work on, as I think of it right now, should be self-confidence issues. I don’t know why, but my self-image is very negative. I can manage a polite, professional conversation. But when it comes to a social conversation, I get all tensed and would get tongue-tied. Actually, i don’t know what to say, how to deal with such situations. I get all shaky, and I would find it hard to breathe. And my self-conciousness levels are as higha s the tallest skyscrapers. what shall I do? I need to ponder about this. This is too stressful especially in times like now.

WHY by Nicole Nordeman

i don’t know why, but everytime I LISTEN to this song, not just HEAR it, My tears would start to fall. I suppose it’s the guilt that despite everything Jesus had gone through for me, I am still as evil as I can be. I don’t know for certain though, it might be hormones activated by PMS. Still, this one’s one of my favorite. It’s beautiful. I wish someday I would be able to sing this in a pulpit. I wonder if that day will ever come.
I can’t seem to find the sheets for this, and I am quite an expert in finding free sheetmusic online. Well, here’s the lyrics:

Nichole Nordeman Why Lyrics:
We rode into town the other day just me and my daddy
He said I’d finally reached that age
And I could ride next to him on a horse
That of course was not quite as wide

We heard a crowd of people shouting
And so we stopped to find out why
And there was that man that my dad said he loved
But today there was fear in his eyes

So I said, “Daddy why are they screaming?
Why are the faces of some of them beaming?
Why is he dressed in that bright purple robe?
I’ll bet that crown hurts him more than he shows”

“Daddy please can’t you do something?
He looks as if though he’s gonna cry
You said He was stronger than all of those guys
Daddy please tell me why, why does everyone want him to die?

Later that day the sky grew cloudy
And daddy said I should go inside
Somehow he knew things would get stormy, Lord, was he right?
But I could not keep from wondering

If there was something he had to hide
So after he left I had to find out, I was not afraid of getting lost
So I followed the crowds to a hill where I knew men had been killed
And I heard a voice come from the cross

And it said, “Father why are they screaming?
Why are the faces of some of them beaming?
Why are they casting their lives for my own?
This crown of thorns hurts me more than it shows”

“Father, please can’t you do something?
I know that you must hear my cry
I thought I could handle a cross of this size
Father remind me why, why does everyone want me to die?
When will I understand why?”

For my precious son, I hear them screaming
I’m watching the face of the enemy beaming
But soon I will clothe you in robes of my own
Jesus, this hurts me much more than you know

But this dark hour I must do nothing
Though I’ve heard you unbearable cries
The power in your blood destroys all of the lies
Soon you’ll see past their unmerciful eyes

Look there below, see the child
Trembling by her father’s side
Now I can tell you why
She is why you must die…

Bad Headache. Stressed.

I am totally stressed. I am seldom stressed, since I am too carefree to care, but today I am totally stressed. I am always stressed when it comes to Ma’am she, and I was kinda having an information overload. I totally had a bad headache. It started from my heart’s rapid beating and then traveledup to my head. I thought it was a slight migraine, and maybe it is. Migraine, I mean, but it’s not slight at all. Plus the fact that Glinda is gone from our block. Gosh, I can’t imagine surviving duty week without Glinda. I’ll collapse from exhaustion on the first day. Glinda is my coffee too. She can make you forget any hardship you are having. No one can resist or stop themselves from laughing when she is around.

There is a bright ray of light in my dark and dreary day though. I found out that I’m going to see Elle.Ae.Dee after all. Before, our Level coordinator has announced that we’ll no longer be finishing our unfinished past assignment. To some, it might have been a relief, but to me, I was CRUSHED.
I already wrote about it. But now I’m happy. I’ll get to see him, for the last time. and there’s a probability that I’ll be able to be in his presence for three consecutive days. Time to memorize his face. Oh, Gawd. Oh, no, I’m not very obsessive. haha. I am. I know. Actually, I’ll have enough time to enjoy myself and say goodbye. I might forget him within that time. Or he might fall in love with me in that span of time. Lol. Hoping is not so bad. Believe me. sometimes what you hope for, what you believe in, comes true. So no matter what, I’m going to hope, even if it takes forever to fullfill or get whatever I hope for. And I am not talking about Elle.Ae.Dee either. Well, he’s part of it, but I’m talking about everything i hope for too.

Today, since I felt so stressed, I went swimming. It was actually raining. Very hard, and it was so cold. The pool water actually felt warm. It was good. It was ages since I last swam. I was trying to get rid of my headache since water is the most therapeutic thing to me. But until now, I still have this stupid headache.

Maybe I didn’t relieve all of my stress. haish.
There’s another thing. Concerning my friend. I don’t know when everything started to crumble apart. I wanted to be myself. And I know it had been my fault too, but this friend is not the kind of person who forgets. I don’t know, if you make a mistake, surely, she’ll never forget it. And I can’t totally be my mean self around her.
It makes me uncomfortable. The fact that she remembers every mistake makes it more difficult and strains the relationship some more. And i have no idea how to fix this. Yes, I’m tired of this, I tired of figuring out her moods, I’m tired of her demands, I’m tired of everything. But stilll, I want to fix this. It’s been a part of me, I just can’t let go.

No wonder I’m stressed. this person is so self-righteous that sometimes I can’t take it. And she accuses me of being close-minded. *sigh*
It seems that when it comes to her, It’s hard to forget too. I’ve always have this extra-accurate intuition about how people feels, (that’s why I want to do pschiatry/psychology etc) and I can feel her loath. There are other people too. I’ve always known my personality sucks. It’s hard for me to rein myself well.

Nursery.

Yeah. That’s what we were studying baout since yesterday afternoon. Yeah. taking care of babies in the nursery. It’s fun. Real easy. yeah. but during the procedure, it’s another story. Pressure is totally another story. It’s different when you are part of the crowd..in the audience, well, that’s the easiest part of all. Well then perhaps I commited a lot of mistakes. But why am I not bothered? This carefree attitude of mine can be sometimes disturbing.
Well, the quiz was the funniest of all. I had [we] to do it in ilonggo. Really, I am well-versed in my native tongue, but sometimes, we are more used with the english language. well, some words. Like medical words. It’s so hard to simplify. My answers were really funny, i was nosebleeding from too much deep ilonggo. And I couldn’t think fast enough. It must be funny to read all those stuff we’ve written. Like—panapton. lol, hello?
Randell’s vast vocabulary of old ilonggo would have been very useful.
Well, speaking of Randell, he came to visit but I wasn’t able to see him.
Well, too bad, I was planning on greeting him in person. yeah. even if it’s almost a week late.
I’ve been watching my rival too..lol she’s kinda pretty, well, she’s got fine skin and such, but she’s not really that pretty. Seriously, I deserve HIM better than she does. Lol, just kidding. It’s more impossible than impossible.
Well, he’s such a cutie. It’s his cousin’s capping ceremony on saturday. Cool.
I love her. I miss her. I don’t know.
I’ve been writing an outline for a story. Inspired by a couple of someones put together. Not really taht they ahve any significance in my life, but their personality and conditions, put together makes a brilliant character and story plot. But mine’s purely fiction. lol
I happenbed to be the basis of the main girl. It’s quite obvious. I wonder if I’ll be able to put it together in a document. Gosh, I’m hopeless :[

A Sad story T-T

I actually got thsi from someone. Lol I approach her after she spoke. I’m glad she shared thsi with me. My tears were not for nothing. I totally cried when I heard this tale. In a public place too! Gosh, it’s so embarassing! But I couldn’t hold it in, and the wind refused to dry it, so I had to let it fall, against my will.
The story is the kind i love most, like all those heartwarming chicken soup for the soul stories. here it is:

I was walking around in a Big Bazar store making shopping, when I saw a Cashier talking to a boy couldn’t have been more than 5 or 6 years old.

The Cashier said, ‘I’m sorry, but you don’t have enough money to buy

this doll. Then the little boy turned to me and asked: ”Uncle, are you sure I don’t have enough money?”

I counted his cash and replied: ”You know that you don’t have enough money to buy the doll l, my dear.” The little boy was still holding the doll in his hand.

Finally, I walked toward him and I asked him who he wished to give this

doll to. ‘It’s the doll that my sister loved most and wanted so much. I wanted to Gift her for her BIRTHDAY.

I have to give the doll to my mommy so that she can give it to my sister when she goes there.’ His eyes were so sad while saying this. ‘My Sister has gone to be with God. Daddy says that Mommy is going to see God very soon too, so I thought that she could take the doll with her to give it to my sister.”

My heart nearly stopped. The little boy looked up at me and said: ‘I told daddy to tell mommy not to go yet. I need her to wait until I come back from the mall.’ Then he showed me a very nice photo of him where he was laughing. He then told me ‘I want mommy to take my picture with her so my sister won’t forget me.’ ‘I love my mommy and I wish she doesn’t have to leave me, but daddy says that she has to go to be with my little sister.’ Then he looked again at the doll with sad eyes, very quietly.

I quickly reached for my wallet and said to the boy. ‘Suppose we check

again, just in case you do have enough money for the doll?”

‘OK’ he said, ‘I hope I do have enough.’ I added some of my money to his with out him seeing and we started to count it. There was enough for the doll and even some spare money.

The little boy said: ‘Thank you God for giving me enough money!’

Then he looked at me and added, ‘I asked last night before I went to

sleep for God to make sure I had enough money to buy this doll, so that
mommy could give It to my sister. He heard me!” ‘I also wanted to have enough money to buy a white rose for my mommy,

but I didn’t dare to ask God for too much. But He gave me enough to buy the doll and a white rose. My mommy loves white roses.’

I finished my shopping in a totally different state from when I started. I

couldn’t get the little boy out of my mind. Then I remembered a local

news paper article two days ago, which mentioned a drunk man in a truck, who hit a car occupied by a young woman and a little girl. The little girl died right away, and the mother was left in a critical state. The

family had to decide whether to pull the plug on the life-sustaining

machine, because the young woman would not be able to recover from the coma. Was this the family of the little boy?

Two days after this encounter with the little boy, I read in the news

paper that the young woman had passed away.. I couldn’t stop myself as I bought a bunch of white roses and I went to the funeral home where the body of the young woman was exposed for people to see and make last wishes before her burial. She was there, in her coffin, holding a

beautiful white rose in her hand with the photo of the little boy and

the doll placed over her chest. I left the place, teary-eyed, feeling

that my life had been changed for ever.

The love that the little boy had for his mother and his sister is still,

to this day, hard to imagine. And in a fraction of a second, a drunk

driver had taken all this away from him.

Please DO NOT DRINK & DRIVE.

Now you have 2 choices:
Ignore it as if it never touched your heart or ponder upon the thought of the message.

I just remembered. I got three Chicken soup books yesterday. And I got a book I’ve been drooling about at NBS too. I discovered there’s a movie about it. Really Cool. I’m glad, even if it’s in ebook format. Lee Dong-Wook suggested Bernard Werber. So now I’m dying to read it. It sounds like a really good Sci-fi. Being translated to 35 languages and all. hah. Wook Oppa Usually suggests good stuff. I discovered Wheesung and MC the max because of him too. ^^

[kmovie] a Dirty Carnival [violent reactions, emotional outbursts]

A Dirty Carnival.

lately I had been watching gangster movies. I don’t know why, I just happen to. Except for So Jisub’s ‘Rough Cut’, the gangster
movies or gangster-related movies makes me cry in the end. This one is really stupid. I feel so sad for Byung-Do (Jo In-Seong) who
happened to be a real cutie-slash-hottie, whichever way you look at it. Well, it’s a Dog eat Dog society, so the movie turned out the way it did.
Funny how a real actor, yeah, big shot, was a rodeo in this film. Well, he’s not exctly So JiSub, Kwon Sang-woo or Song Seung-Hoon-big shot, but he’s had a
few successful movie in the past. Oh, the ending’s so depressing. why does it ahve to turn out that way?? My poor In-Seong. The movie’s actually simmilar to
Rough Cut, although the plot is not the same. It’s a movie inside a movie. Although the movie wasn’t really quite focused in this film. The director’s inspiration, more likely.
Oh, it’s really tragic. It makes me hate all the bad guys. Well, his friend, the stupid director who messes things up, and his other gangster friend who was a snake.
And yeah, the boys. They’re so stupid. How could they ahve done that to him after everything he’d done for them? And he never maltreated tehm in anyway.
It was all the director’s fault though. He really messed things up. If only he didn’t…The ending wouldn’t ahve been like that. haish. The world is a dirty place.
You could never really trust anyone. I like Byung-Do. Even with all the dreadful and disgusting tattoos. He had a good heart.
Although he was left with no choice, for the sake of all those traitors.
Haish. Stupid movie.
Well, girly-girly things are over. I’m already 18. That’s why i’m more inclined to watch ‘Boyish’ movies. I do enjoy teh stuff.
I’ve been watching war and action flicks too. Great. Even the non-kmovies. Like transformers. Well, yeah, I was typing ‘transporter’ too, a while ago, another action (is it action??)
flick that I like so very much.
A Dirty Carnival is really dirty. A depressing end.

Hilarious.

A perfect word to describe my day.I had been laughing uncontrollably since last night. Well, this morning, my laughter was a little controlled, but hey, that was PSYCH we were talking about!
Although, I must admit, I immensely enjoyed it ^^
I liked psychiatry even before I accepted the dare to be a nurse. Well, it’s extremely interesting. The quiz wasn’t though. I tried my best but I guess I wasn’t good enough. Haha. Well, I would have gotten it perfect if my answers WOULD be considered. Which I seriously hope so. I Will LOVE psyche.
I will try everything to get an acceptable grade too, like 98 or something. haha. How can I? WEll, the first thing I learn in psyche is think well. It’s all in the mind.
In the afternoon, i hardly heard anything..well, I did but i didn’t have any understanding of the lesson. I was so busy laughing. Well, we all did, especially the part about the balls and the herbolaryo. It was too funny. I was literally falling off my chair and my jaw hurt so bad from laughing. I wasn’t even given a chance to breath before Sir Beniatdo would launch another hilarious story. My stomach was aching and my jaw was about to fall off from too much laughter by the time Sir Benitado gave us a break. I’m so glad he did. I could have died in there.
After the break it was christian who drove me crazy. He is the funniest guy I know. ASide from Sir Benitado. He/ they make me laugh like there’s no tommorow.
And during the afternoon, I have been plotting on how to be able to get to the pint of being adirector and producer one day. I’d love it. Especially if someone HOT is teaching me the ways of filming. ^^
I have an idea who could it be.

Devastation.

Devastated.

Since last friday, I am.
How could I be not, when I was looking forward to seeing Mr. LAD and then out od the blue, I suddenly found out I wouldn’t be able
to see him after all, just because the time that would supposedly be used for duty in that will be used for something else. Much more boring,
of course. So what am I supposed to feel? It doesn’t help that I only had a day with him in the area. And it was supposed to be two days,
but was cut short because of the exams. The stupid final exam. It wasn’t even our exam schedule yet. Oh, I am so angry. It’s just so unfair taht everybody else
had two weeks time with him whil;e we did not. It sucks. haish.
And I am reminded of him all weekend. I keep seeing people with the same hairstyle, same body-build—oh.la.la.
When I was passing by the area I saw a man who kind-of looked like him. But I wasn’t able to see the face much. His words of wisdom are still fresh in my mind. I even
passed on one to my mother. It’s about how you can know that a woman is pregnant. He was staring at [my] our throat and he was smiling..kind of naughtily, the way I see it.
and then he announced that there is a visible pulsen in there, the woman is pregnant. Will, probably. But of course, in the books, there is no such thing.
But why do I believe him? It’s hard not to fall for everything he says. I even looked up that thing about neural syphilis, because I thought he was kidding. And it turned out to be factual.
I met Cassandra on friday too, and guess what she reminded me of! Well, of course, Mr. LAD. *sigh*.

The girl can read palms..in a scary way, not in the heart-damaging way MR. LAD does. But I prefer Mr. LAD’s. I almost wailed in a public place [eg. Bus station]
when I realized that my left palm could never be read. EVER. Because I’ll never let anyone palm-read me except him.
I almost studied the Martial Art he is so good at. I was making my father teach me. And my gramp, but of course, he had a stroke. Good thing. I didn’t learn it.
All my bruises would have been for nothing, I wouldn’t be able to impress him.
If you could have seen my preparations, for the day we would meet again. I made my uniform white as possible. No stains whatsoeevr. I drank a lot of water so taht
I won’t look dry around him. I studied, a little. But look where it got me. Into Devastation.
I am so sad. I won’t be seeing him again. T-T
I don’t think we could ever meet by chance. He’s too busy for that. We don’t even share a religious sect, club por interest.
I feel so pathetic. Why?? Why?? Why not??? Why so unfair?? After all the research I’ve done???! This is so infuriating!

Today.

I don’t feel like babbling. Today. Only for today. I’m so glad it’s a holiday, I get to sleep for like 12 hours straight. The consequences of sleeping that long isn’t that heavenly though. I had a sleeping headache..like I’m having a hangover. Duh, as if I ever had experienced a hangover. I’ve never even drunk alcoholic stuff in my whole life. Not a single drop. Well, now that I think back to last night, I was pretending [to myself] that I was frustrated, when I wasn’t really..I was actually bored, and not the PRODUCTIVE boredom either. I was downright mind-empty BORED. I was saying I’d want to get drunk. So when I wake up at around half-past twelve noon, I was having a headache. Like a wish fulfilled.
Speaking of wishes, I got one wish granted today. A real, decent wish. Although I’d wished for it before, I am not that crazy about it now, but I’m still thankful. Will it always be like this? Like I’m yearning for something that it’s killing me not to have it, it won’t be given to me. And then if I no longer wanted the thing, it would be given to me freely? How weird is that? Life is absolutely outrageous. Things like this always happens. As much as disappointments happens. These takes time getting used to, but I’m already used to this.
I read some notes today. I found it funny. Well, really laugh-out-loud funny. And I gained knowledge. As Ben Carson said in his book ‘Think Big’, There is no such thing as ‘useless’ knowledge or knowledge that goes to waste. Well, that’s not exactly quoting him, but that’s the thought. basically. So maybe I’ll find these things useful in the future.
Yesterday someone revealed a secret—medium-sized—to me. I can’t believe it! No, I don’t mean the secret, but the fact that she revealed a secret to me. Well, I must protect it. I’m quite capable of keeping secrets..and I’m quite good at it too. I must go home tommorow. I wanna watch a movie. But I need to sleep early. I hate zit eruptions.
It’s not that I wanna go to sleep now..I need to find my keys first. I don’t know how am I going to find those. The kEYS to my treasure chest! Can you imagine? I lost them. A bad case of memory gap. haish.
Uh-oh. I should stop that. saying that I mean. And when shall I start writing?? Ugh. I’m hopeless.