[kmovie] a Dirty Carnival [violent reactions, emotional outbursts]

A Dirty Carnival.

lately I had been watching gangster movies. I don’t know why, I just happen to. Except for So Jisub’s ‘Rough Cut’, the gangster
movies or gangster-related movies makes me cry in the end. This one is really stupid. I feel so sad for Byung-Do (Jo In-Seong) who
happened to be a real cutie-slash-hottie, whichever way you look at it. Well, it’s a Dog eat Dog society, so the movie turned out the way it did.
Funny how a real actor, yeah, big shot, was a rodeo in this film. Well, he’s not exctly So JiSub, Kwon Sang-woo or Song Seung-Hoon-big shot, but he’s had a
few successful movie in the past. Oh, the ending’s so depressing. why does it ahve to turn out that way?? My poor In-Seong. The movie’s actually simmilar to
Rough Cut, although the plot is not the same. It’s a movie inside a movie. Although the movie wasn’t really quite focused in this film. The director’s inspiration, more likely.
Oh, it’s really tragic. It makes me hate all the bad guys. Well, his friend, the stupid director who messes things up, and his other gangster friend who was a snake.
And yeah, the boys. They’re so stupid. How could they ahve done that to him after everything he’d done for them? And he never maltreated tehm in anyway.
It was all the director’s fault though. He really messed things up. If only he didn’t…The ending wouldn’t ahve been like that. haish. The world is a dirty place.
You could never really trust anyone. I like Byung-Do. Even with all the dreadful and disgusting tattoos. He had a good heart.
Although he was left with no choice, for the sake of all those traitors.
Haish. Stupid movie.
Well, girly-girly things are over. I’m already 18. That’s why i’m more inclined to watch ‘Boyish’ movies. I do enjoy teh stuff.
I’ve been watching war and action flicks too. Great. Even the non-kmovies. Like transformers. Well, yeah, I was typing ‘transporter’ too, a while ago, another action (is it action??)
flick that I like so very much.
A Dirty Carnival is really dirty. A depressing end.

Hilarious.

A perfect word to describe my day.I had been laughing uncontrollably since last night. Well, this morning, my laughter was a little controlled, but hey, that was PSYCH we were talking about!
Although, I must admit, I immensely enjoyed it ^^
I liked psychiatry even before I accepted the dare to be a nurse. Well, it’s extremely interesting. The quiz wasn’t though. I tried my best but I guess I wasn’t good enough. Haha. Well, I would have gotten it perfect if my answers WOULD be considered. Which I seriously hope so. I Will LOVE psyche.
I will try everything to get an acceptable grade too, like 98 or something. haha. How can I? WEll, the first thing I learn in psyche is think well. It’s all in the mind.
In the afternoon, i hardly heard anything..well, I did but i didn’t have any understanding of the lesson. I was so busy laughing. Well, we all did, especially the part about the balls and the herbolaryo. It was too funny. I was literally falling off my chair and my jaw hurt so bad from laughing. I wasn’t even given a chance to breath before Sir Beniatdo would launch another hilarious story. My stomach was aching and my jaw was about to fall off from too much laughter by the time Sir Benitado gave us a break. I’m so glad he did. I could have died in there.
After the break it was christian who drove me crazy. He is the funniest guy I know. ASide from Sir Benitado. He/ they make me laugh like there’s no tommorow.
And during the afternoon, I have been plotting on how to be able to get to the pint of being adirector and producer one day. I’d love it. Especially if someone HOT is teaching me the ways of filming. ^^
I have an idea who could it be.

Devastation.

Devastated.

Since last friday, I am.
How could I be not, when I was looking forward to seeing Mr. LAD and then out od the blue, I suddenly found out I wouldn’t be able
to see him after all, just because the time that would supposedly be used for duty in that will be used for something else. Much more boring,
of course. So what am I supposed to feel? It doesn’t help that I only had a day with him in the area. And it was supposed to be two days,
but was cut short because of the exams. The stupid final exam. It wasn’t even our exam schedule yet. Oh, I am so angry. It’s just so unfair taht everybody else
had two weeks time with him whil;e we did not. It sucks. haish.
And I am reminded of him all weekend. I keep seeing people with the same hairstyle, same body-build—oh.la.la.
When I was passing by the area I saw a man who kind-of looked like him. But I wasn’t able to see the face much. His words of wisdom are still fresh in my mind. I even
passed on one to my mother. It’s about how you can know that a woman is pregnant. He was staring at [my] our throat and he was smiling..kind of naughtily, the way I see it.
and then he announced that there is a visible pulsen in there, the woman is pregnant. Will, probably. But of course, in the books, there is no such thing.
But why do I believe him? It’s hard not to fall for everything he says. I even looked up that thing about neural syphilis, because I thought he was kidding. And it turned out to be factual.
I met Cassandra on friday too, and guess what she reminded me of! Well, of course, Mr. LAD. *sigh*.

The girl can read palms..in a scary way, not in the heart-damaging way MR. LAD does. But I prefer Mr. LAD’s. I almost wailed in a public place [eg. Bus station]
when I realized that my left palm could never be read. EVER. Because I’ll never let anyone palm-read me except him.
I almost studied the Martial Art he is so good at. I was making my father teach me. And my gramp, but of course, he had a stroke. Good thing. I didn’t learn it.
All my bruises would have been for nothing, I wouldn’t be able to impress him.
If you could have seen my preparations, for the day we would meet again. I made my uniform white as possible. No stains whatsoeevr. I drank a lot of water so taht
I won’t look dry around him. I studied, a little. But look where it got me. Into Devastation.
I am so sad. I won’t be seeing him again. T-T
I don’t think we could ever meet by chance. He’s too busy for that. We don’t even share a religious sect, club por interest.
I feel so pathetic. Why?? Why?? Why not??? Why so unfair?? After all the research I’ve done???! This is so infuriating!

Today.

I don’t feel like babbling. Today. Only for today. I’m so glad it’s a holiday, I get to sleep for like 12 hours straight. The consequences of sleeping that long isn’t that heavenly though. I had a sleeping headache..like I’m having a hangover. Duh, as if I ever had experienced a hangover. I’ve never even drunk alcoholic stuff in my whole life. Not a single drop. Well, now that I think back to last night, I was pretending [to myself] that I was frustrated, when I wasn’t really..I was actually bored, and not the PRODUCTIVE boredom either. I was downright mind-empty BORED. I was saying I’d want to get drunk. So when I wake up at around half-past twelve noon, I was having a headache. Like a wish fulfilled.
Speaking of wishes, I got one wish granted today. A real, decent wish. Although I’d wished for it before, I am not that crazy about it now, but I’m still thankful. Will it always be like this? Like I’m yearning for something that it’s killing me not to have it, it won’t be given to me. And then if I no longer wanted the thing, it would be given to me freely? How weird is that? Life is absolutely outrageous. Things like this always happens. As much as disappointments happens. These takes time getting used to, but I’m already used to this.
I read some notes today. I found it funny. Well, really laugh-out-loud funny. And I gained knowledge. As Ben Carson said in his book ‘Think Big’, There is no such thing as ‘useless’ knowledge or knowledge that goes to waste. Well, that’s not exactly quoting him, but that’s the thought. basically. So maybe I’ll find these things useful in the future.
Yesterday someone revealed a secret—medium-sized—to me. I can’t believe it! No, I don’t mean the secret, but the fact that she revealed a secret to me. Well, I must protect it. I’m quite capable of keeping secrets..and I’m quite good at it too. I must go home tommorow. I wanna watch a movie. But I need to sleep early. I hate zit eruptions.
It’s not that I wanna go to sleep now..I need to find my keys first. I don’t know how am I going to find those. The kEYS to my treasure chest! Can you imagine? I lost them. A bad case of memory gap. haish.
Uh-oh. I should stop that. saying that I mean. And when shall I start writing?? Ugh. I’m hopeless.

Fairness.

*I really thought I’ve posted this thing already.*

My mother feels so successful that we were able to get registered in time, yeah, right before sunset.
Although we have reason enough, I know it was mainly my fault why I was trying to get registered at
the last minute.That is why I don’t feel so good. I’m not being self-righteous or anything, but really,
it’s not my thing to ‘insert’ (in the cafeteria though, it’s an exception). Let’s just say I am not aggressive.
But To tell you frankly, it’s not because of my so-called ’shyness’. Altough my mother chooses to believe otherwise,
I know I am no longer the same shy girl. I still have my shyness of course, since I am not so confident with my looks,
and you can’t expect me to be thick-faced, if you know what I mean. But I no longer clam up. I swear, I don’t.
But sometimes I just feel so lazy to try to talk to people. Especially when i don’t really have anything worth saying to say.
I think it’s because of my chosen path. It has definitely molded me. Well, it leaves me no choice but to talk to my patients.
Actually, I find it easy to talk with patients. At least I know what topic to talk about. Like health, lifestyle, afmily background,
etcetera. But Non-patients, it’s a little bit more challenging. You can probably figure out why. I don’t know what to speak about.
Especially when I’m the one initiating teh conversation. At first there’ll be a lot to talk about—in the getting-to-know phase.
But after that, if the other person is not maing an effort,i would be at a loss.

Haaay. My thoughts usually strays from the topic. I should be thinking about fairness and unfairness. But look where my thougts drifted.
oh. oh-kay. I think the fairness of the behavior of an individual is based on his judgement. And this judgement is heavily influenced by
the person’s perception of good and evil. And the depth and degree of that person’s perception.

Oh, and today I met a childhood friend, We were playmates before, and classmates too.Yeah..when I was in first grade, and i attended the second
grade. His Mom was the teacher too. It was fun back then. Whoa. I hanged out with boys before. Him and his brother. We used to guess each other’s underpants. The colr I mean.
And we did all the silly stuff children do. I remember he had (and his brother) a whole book of fairytales! And I was a bookworm already at that time, that is if reading
any book I can get my hands on is a sign. The book has rapunzel and sleeping beauty. I wanted to read it, but I wasn’t able to borrow it. I forgot the reason why.
today I met him. Over the years I’ve heard snippets of information about him, but I paid not much attention. He looks fine. A little cute maybe, if he was straight.
I mean, why Does he have to be GAY? what happened? WHAT?! WHY?? And his teeth..two of them are so pointed he could pass as a vamp.
Which is quite cool. I think.
I wasn’t able to talk to him much though. And I think he was a little pissed because I got ahead of him in the line. Oh, and he was wearing shorts–you can’t really
tell that he’s not straight, and I got a glimpse of his legs–which, although it hurts my pride to say this, I must admit his’ are better than mine

Well, I’m so pathetic. I don’t have a chance of having that ‘first-love-from-childhood’ romance.
Poor Poor me. Can’t I have a romance of my own??
I am so tired of waiting. Although my ‘fooling around’ (sometimes) is refreshing, it’s not enough. I guess I’ll have to accept my situation and be content.
Okay. I’m not really unhappy. I have all these people who loves me. So maybe I don’t need romantic love. That much. Accept my fate. Okay. I need more convincing.
I’m fooling around with this person who fools around all the time (I know, I read about the rumors) and it makes us even. Or maybe not. He’s really fooling around to the bone—
perhaps even sowing several wild oats. And this nonesense he was telling me…well, I don’t really know if I would believe it or not.
Well, he’s not really the kind of person to be taken seriously. But dinner? Huh, I was actually a little bit tempted. But of course, I can’t dine with him! Not in a million years!
Well, just look at him, He’s a hunk..although the hair (in general—from head to foot—okay. In the FACE) seems like a weird choice. He’s loaded, even if all the ‘responsibilities’
he was talking about happened to be untrue, he is still far more richer than me. And I am not used to the kind of fooling-around that he’s used to. So he’s actually scary.
That’s why I’m saying ‘no’ all the time. And I don’t care what he thinks of me. I JUST don’t CARE anymore.
But really, I’d like to meet him one day. When I’m good enough to meet him..like when I’m actually near his level.
For the meantime (or in the next few weeks to be exact) I’ll be thinking of L.A.D.
I haven’t had a glimpse of his shadow in almost a month already. And why the heck…He doesn’t have an account! or maybe he’s using another name. But what about Xoxo?
I can’t find him anywhere..only some pages of him. which are funny. At least one is.

And maybe I’ll try to find this childhood friend of mine…
who used to tell me about horror movies…’halimaw sa banga’ that sort of thing…
We were seatmates too
And our moms are v. good friends…hah. This is funny. Weird.

Stupid Day. Infuriating Registration S(

Seriously?Why was I destined to encounter all these stupid registration throughout this week? From Monday til yesterday, I was burning my butt out in the enrollment. Why does my school has to be so old-fashioned??? Aaaargggh! I wasn’t able to have my usual sleep this week, and I think it has caught up with me today. Hah. and I was having fun last night too,early in the evening. My Bestie and I went roaming around I looved it. And our thoughts are sooo funny.
But Now I’m feeling so grumpy. Ugh. I am enduring another bout with registration. I was waiting the whole day, but I’m nowhere near the finish line. Ugh. And I’m bored to death waiting. Seriously. I almost fell from the long flight of stairs where I sat—and I was on the topmost part—because I feel so sleepy. I wanna watch the videos I downlaoded last night too..But hey, I need to find the subs first.
Oh, I gotta go. My mother will take action. haha. Maybe I won’t ahve to wait anymore
Yipee. i want this done and over with. As soon as possible.

oh yeah, what makes the whole experience boring is the absence of hunks to ogle at

Irritating.

I know very well how late I slept last night. I was expecting I could manage to get undisturbed sleep until 8:00 at the very least, but hey, the stupid campers woke me up..They were so noisy I couldn’t get back to sleep..and then When I’m fully awake and irritated, they went away, and everything went still. How stupid can that be? Isn’t that way too irritating?? And I have not seen even the shadow of LAD. If I count the hours I spent with him in the vicinity, I wouldn’t even reach 20 hours. How tragic.
Last night I did something crazy. Well, there was this Darren person..and I fooled around with him. Well, sort of. Nothing lewd or anything like that. Well, I can say I ‘Kulit’ him a lot last night. And no way I’m going to fall for all his baiting and his wiles. He’s a creep. Yeah, and certainly not that handsome. but fooling around with him is so much fun. Well, I think he finally gave up around one. I wasn’t really paying attention to him because he sounds so ’sira’. maybe the guy was drunk. It feels so good not to care. Like I said whatever I want to say…But really, I wasn’t being naughty. I wasn’t the one being naughty. Well, he must think I’m from around his area, wherever it is. But I am not. So I couldn’t get tempted with the ‘dinner’ thing..
Well, he is such a great laugh. I’d remember this someday and I’ll roll about laughing my guts out. Hah, he looks funny, with all that stupid hair on his face.
Who cares. His girlfriend probably.
It isn’t a business of mine..so let’s rest the case.

Oh, I got accquainted with someone named Lee Dong Wook. And it is so funny, having a name like Lee Dong wook. Seriously. Like Gong Chan! Hah. He lives in Australia, currently. And he looks like the guy from HALE. I dunno what’s the name of that guy.

And I spoke with KilMo ssi. He’s old.
He needs help, honestly speaking. I want to help him of course, since he seems to teach me korean well. At least before I slept i remembered everything..upon waking up though, it’s another story. Oh, and he has a friend named Jin Bae. cute name. Anyways, I’m glad I’m fooling around for a change. I’ve always been proper. So maybe this is why it feels so refreshing. Hah. The guy was speculating whether I was gay or not. ROFL
Really…haha. He Must be plagued by gays all the time. I should have told him I was. hahaha. That would be too funny. lol
Then I can’t imagine what would I have said. It’s like being drunk…my actions. Well…

Oh yeah, the most irritating thing of all. This guy I’m over with?? Yeah. that one I was talking about in my previous post, he was online, and he logged off so fast. maybe scared that I’d talk to himor something. Well, he should stop flattering himself. Like the British guy. Flattering himself! may crush daw ako sa kanya!!!!!???? well, totoo naman, but that was before. Ssssh! Don’t tell him that. He’s a complete turn-off…even if he’s fun. Funny I mean. ^^

Life sucks.

yeah. Just like now. i’m stuck with all the stupid nonesense of enrollment. well, I’m glad I passed MCN. I won’t feel guilty ogling LAD. Well, if i failed, I would’ve cursed myself for thinking of him at times when i was supposed to be studying for my finals. Well, it was the first moments after I acknowledged my feelings (yeah!) for the guy, so what do you expect? Of course I tend to think of him every minute of the day. I really wasn’t able to concentrate, but i don’t blame the poor, even unaware guy. Well, I’m lucky i’ve passed, but the enrollment is really going like–crazy. Especially this thing about my grades.
And..well, I was just thinking (this is off-track) that if he were my teacher, I’d absorb everything like sponge. In fact, if you quiz me now, I can precisely tell you everything he said. Somehow, i can’t get over the fact that he sang my favorite song.
whoa. I think I’m going crazy. And I need to get bored. if you know what I mean. To get stuff done. To make myself actually productive. Whew. I can’t write a word. I need the money.

On EMO mode..

*I wrote this last night*

Well, so tonight I really have to write this down. Or type it, rather. I am currently reading Meg Cabot’s Queen of Babble series,
and as usual, it’s awesome! I never really read a book by Meg that I didn’t like, except for that King arthur thingie…
Well, it wasn’t my thing. She really writes the most ‘kilig’ scenes and those are often Laugh-out-loud too. Well, To be frank,
It’s not the reason why I am writing this right now. Actually, it’s because I’m watching some compositions simultaneously
to reading this books. Well, It’s kind of connected too, My Love Life-or lack thereof and Lizzie Nichol’s disasters, only that
I never performed blowjob on anyone. Yet. And the fact that she has found her Jean Luc or Luke at that, and me, I’m still hoping..
which is actually kind of helpless. I wish something like her story would happen to my life too, not that part discovering that her
best friend is actually Bi, and well,..having a big mouth. But like what she said, “having a guy I like Liking me back, for a change”. Well,
It’s something that has never happened to me before. Maybe I need to wait until I’m 22 or something. I hope. Because 22 is okay. As long as
I don’t become an old maid and will still have a chance to wear sleeveless on my wedding. Or to be wed, at the very least. Well,
now that I think of it, I think myself and this Lizzie has a lot in common…interest in wedding stuff, for one. And falling for the wrong guys.
Well, Okay, this is not really the reason why i’m babbling all this. As I said earlier, I was watching some clips I ripped off youtube, this composition thingie..
and watching it intently, if you were me will definitely get you feeling tragic. It’s worse than Romeo and Juliet, only that
in this case it’s one-sided. But i’m actually OVER it. seriously, I’ve been writing about being Over him for so long..it’s just that
seeing him play..it makes a girl wishful, you know. Oh, and one thing I’ve learned in the series, MY HEART HASN’T BEEN BROKEN BEFORE!
Isn’t that good news? because before, it had only been bruised.Well, duh, it’s not as if I couldn’t stand some bruising. And Bruises heals fairly quickly,
if you don’t mind the hideous colors it changes into before it finally heals.Unless you are anemic. Which I seriously believe I am.
But maybe it’s just a case of Pseudoanemia. Nothings serious actually.I’m certainly not feeling broken at the moment.And there are ‘ferrous sulfate’
lying around if you just know where to look..for instance, LAD, whose name, I discovered is actually a name of a place-slash-street in new York.
Well, hah, that makes him like Vaness Wu, right, named after a street. maybe he was born there. Although I can’t really imagine such probability.
I’m straying from the topic! Ugh, I’m supposed to write about HIM..the other one. Ugh, Why does it have to have a Brownout? this place is awful.
And why the heck does moths and other insects go after the light? It’s so annoying! And Really, I’m pissed.If only I can kill these nonesense!

Hah, Finally, The generator’s on!
Anyways, seeing his hands, that looks so fluid and graceful, although somewhat chubby, pierces my heart. Well, it just feels so tragic, that he doesn’t want
that he does not return what I have given him freely—-my heart. And he has to fall crazy in love with some girl who plays the
guitar and have some wonderful voice singing ‘replay’
only to get himself hurt. And to think that he made his compositions just for her. I mean, with her in mind! can’t she possibly see that?
If only it had been me, but It wasn’t. I can’t even get close to the guy, for goodness sake? We are just not ‘talo’.
Well,in that case, I just need to find some of the Ferrous sulfate lying around to cure my anemia and prevent further and persistent Bruising of my heart.

Random thoughts..(10-26-09)

On my way here, I was thinking ‘dumb luck. I wanna kick some ass.But probably there’ll be no ass availaable to kick about.’ Well, now
I really really wanna kick some. I mean, duh, there’s no server even..hah. What a waste of time.
I had been thinking about my lovely Old LAD (and I mean That literally) lately. And I think I’m a romance-starved person at the moment.
Hunk-and-hottie-starved at that too that every guy I meet, I am assesing if He hapened to be a hunk or a hottie. Doable or not.
Well, I can’t help it, I do that quite automatically. Maybe it’s because I’m already of age, finally 18, and I can do whatever I want. I can
smoke, drink or ahve sex whenever I want. Problem is, it’s not my thing. All of those nonesense.Anyways, the vehicle had been so packed that
I was crushed into the guy who seemed to be really bad-ass type. He’s chubby though, but he’s got the looks.Well, we were crushed together thigh to thigh,
hip to hip, arm to arm. It was actually sticky and I didn’t like it one bit.Well, so i had to think of my Old LAD. If he was the one beside me, I’d pass out for sure..
And what was the problem with that? It’s actually an opportunity. Yeah, passing out. Because he’ll definitely be teh one to do the first aid etcetera—that sort of thing..
and I might qualify for mouth to mouth rescuscitation.But it does not involve the tongue, does it? But it’
s doable. i can bear with that. Hah.Mouth to mouth, no ongue, will definitely work for me,since it would be my first time.
Wow, this is so exciting. I am sure he is very well-versed with teh rescuscitation thing. He’s actually really very capable of doing some great things like defend himself from
a knife with a chair. I saw his video in youtube. he was really chubby, haha. When did I start liking chubbies? huh? Well, Ideally, I don’t like chubbies. I like hunks, hotties, the likes.
But then , in reality? I tend to liek chubbies. I already have two chubbies for whom I fell for. Well.